Early Christmas wish-list and New Year, too

Well, since we’re 29 days before Christmas, I thought I’d write down my wish list/gifts I want to get and/or I want to pursue to make for a memorable Christmas (and I don’t necessarily have to get all of them) but that’s why they’re wishes. Oh, December, come quickly!

Top 10 gifts I would like to get this Christmas and New Year

1. A renewed commitment and a maturing of faith in Christ Jesus. This takes precedence over everything else. For Christmas, I want to focus on the real meaning, which is Jesus and his birth. I think Christmas is already too commercialized that to some people, it’s about people and gifts and bonuses and vacation travels. I like those things, too. But Christmas really takes its root on the birth of Jesus who was sent to save us. I pray I will have a meaningful time contemplating on the beauty and truth of this, and have the opportunity to share it to others as well.

2. Let’s not pretend I won’t mention my love life, because we all know it’s bound to crop up. For Christmas and New Year, I want a renewed sense of “self” as I’ve lost ‘myself’ in my previous complicated relationship. So much time and energy was spent trying to save the relationship and at one point, love was no longer in its right definition. It was abuse of love, martyrdom at its worst, and next year, I just want to enjoy being single. E. Eliot said that every season of singlehood is a blessing, and I will take her word for it. I will be grateful to God for this season, will maximize it, will keep praying for that One precious guy I will give my heart to, and 2010, prepare for a happy single girl!

3. A personal retreat outside Manila. God-willing, I can go to Batanes early January by myself. I really love the idea of being in solitude in a foreign place. Well, if not Batanes, any place outside Metro Manila where I can read, write and just have my Bible with me  That should be the best way to start the year or end the year!

4. Reunion with friends and family! As usual, 4k always holds its Christmas party at home, and this year, I want a new concept/theme than the usual eatyourheartout-crazygames-billiards. Maybe the stalled costume party of last year can push through this year? I also want to spend time with some friends I haven’t seen for ages! It would be nice to get together with them for Christmas and catch up on the things we missed out. Most of our cousins are already residing abroad, and it would be nice to have them all come back for a reunion!

5. Now, to start my ‘material’ blessings I would like to get this Christmas, let’s top it off with a DSLR. Yes, I want a Digital SLR camera because I want to take my love for photography a notch higher. That’s not to say I’m good at it. I just really love capturing photos and God-willing, maybe I can even take photography lessons next year

6. Gym was a bad investment this year for many reasons, and I don’t even know where to begin. But I did find out about a new one that will enable me to have my own personal trainor. I like that more than just going to the gym and not knowing whether you’re doing the right thing or not. No more sales talk, let’s just get to the “Core” of it all

7. A new cellphone. I was never the brand-conscious type when it comes to mobile phones because to me, they only have two basic functions: text and call. So long as my phone can text and call, I’m not complaining. And well, given my track record on lost/stolen/misplaced cell phones, I know asking for a new cell phone is risky, but here’s to discipline and being alert. I’ve had about more than 10 cellphones and I always went for what was the least “robber-magnet” phone, pero sige na nga.

8. A good book I can read at the start of the year. I’m a reader and cannot get enough of reading. My collection of Christian books at home is priceless to me. I wonder what good Christian book I can get for myself this year. Oh, and I should also read on newly-discovered children’s fantasy books because I do think they have lessons we adults can really learn from.

9. My love for jeans is never quenched. I want to get a new black, grey and blue denim jeans just to satisfy the vanity.

10. Finish my scrapbook for this year. Oh, I don’t even know where to begin but I would love to gift myself with a finished scrapbook for 2009.

Reign of Terror

Abraham Johannes Muste, a pacifist and an anti-war activist in the 1930s said and I quote, “The survival of democracy depends on the renunciation of violence and the development of nonviolent means to combat evil and advance the good.”

If we go by his definition of a surviving democracy, then we can nearly conclude that we aren’t surviving at all. Not after the human carnage that took place two days ago in Maguindanao, which rocked not only the Philippines, but the entire world. How can we call ourselves a free, democratic nation, when at the very seat of power are those who suppress and abuse freedom at its most basic, freedom of choice?

In the morning of November 23 in the southern region of Maguindanao, a group of journalists and media men were on their way to cover the filing of the certificate of candidacy of Buluan Vice Mayor Esmael “Toto” Mangudadatu, who has chosen to run for Governor of Maguindanao in the 2010 National Elections. He had previously requested for security escorts but his request was turned down. Thinking there would be less tension if he were not to come, he instead organized a group of women to go and file for him. Included were his wife, Genalyn, his elder sister Vice Mayor Eden Mangudadatu of Mangudadatu town, Bai Farinna Mangudadatu, the youngest of the Mangudadatu siblings, and two lawyer friends –Cynthia Oquendo-Ayon and Connie Brizuela. There were about 50 of them –women, relatives, lawyers, journalists, and other supporters, who went that morning to act on Vice Mayor Toto’s choice to run in the elections. There were 50 of them, brimming with life and unaware that on that fateful day, they will be tortured and slaughtered like animals for fun, for greed, for power.

The UN Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon called it a “brutal, heinous crime”. The European Commissioner for External Relations Benita Ferrero-Waldner condemned this “barbaric” act and called for “calm in the period leading up to the forthcoming elections scheduled for May 2010.” Commission on Human Rights (CHR) Chair Leila de Lima has called the perpetrators as “not human.”

“What kind of animals are these killers? We are so shocked and enraged. This is beyond words. It is most despicable. This is the work of someone who is not human. It is a bestial act of the highest order. I have never seen anything like it. It’s brutal ruthlessness all in the name of power. It’s an affront to all forms of civility.”

The world has condemned this animalistic massacre; the Journalistic community is on an uproar over the senseless killings of their colleagues, and I? I am at a loss for words. These murderers have been addressed by a whole dictionary of names relating to the behaviour of animals, and yet something in me says animals don’t even act like that. These are godless monsters that have no conscience. But who are they?

The military said the main suspects in the abductions and murders were gunmen hired by the Maguindanao governor, Andal Ampatuan, and his son who has the same name. By affinity, the Ampatuans and Mangudadatus are related. They were both political allies of incumbent President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, and allegations have been made that it was in Maguindanao where Election results were rigged last 2004 to secure a win for GMA, amid fraud charges.

Both the Ampatuans and Mangudadatus are unopposed in their respective towns and provinces. Both are powerful and feared, not only because of their ‘loyal supporters’, but because of their machineries to enforce support and because of where they get their support from. I will not be surprised if the Mangudadatus take the law into their own hands. The warring clans have been at it since 2001, but the bloodshed two days ago have relegated to fears of “rido” or blood feuds. These will result to another violent set of killings, and I wonder if it will ever STOP.

We have spawned a culture of impunity where even our own President is believed to have benefited from. ARMM’s ‘reservoir of votes’ during the 2004 elections secured the Presidency for GMA. If there’s anyone to blame for the perpetuation of private armies, we look nowhere else but to the highest leader of the land. After all, it was her policy to arm clan-based militias to combat Islamist rebels. I agree with Marites Vitug, a magazine editor who has written books on Mindanao, when she called the clans, “a monster created by, well, this government and past governments. And the military has supplied arms to their civilian armies.” Disarm them NOW.

If these monsters at the helm of the government can rein fire and brimstone on its people and expect to get away with it, then this nation is far from being a democratic one. We are ruled by goons with guns and an ever-increasing supply of greed for money and power, and regardless of how many condemnations people cry out, they will only fall on deaf ears. I do not want to belong to this kind of nation, this kind of nation that cannot protect its people and allows mob and mafias to rule the land. I want a free nation where I can exercise freely my right to vote, and where I can choose what I want for myself under law without being killed for it.

In light of these events, if we are the democratic state we believe ourselves to be, then we should be able to hold all these monsters accountable through the rule of law. If the law is there to protect its people, then let us use the full force of the law to ensure justice is served for the good of the people.

Sharing this site for the pictures of the human carnage.

Protected: Work stress and who’s happy with stress? I’m NOT.

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Of Narcissists and getting away

Until last night, I never believed there were actual narcissists in my world, at least, not within my circle. Maybe I’m too much of a believer in the idea that people cannot be solely classified in psychological terms because that demeans their person. Like when you classify a person as an addict, you look at the factors that make them an addict, but they are still their actual selves. They didn’t start out as addicts, so we can’t always call them that. The problem with calling them this way is that the labels stick. And instead of us looking at the person as that, a person, we now look at them under microscopic lenses or as a ’study’ or a ‘case’ of all these psychological terms. But last night, I was convinced it was true.

Now, whether we admit it or not, all of us have that narcissism in us, some more pronounced than others. It’s normal for some to be very confident of themselves, proud, selfish. But for the record, I know of two people who truly qualify under the real narcissistic syndrome, which they call Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Even Christians can be narcissists, for Christians are human beings like everybody else. You can’t be a narcissist and be subtle about it. At one point or another, people around you are bound to discover (—I hope sooner than later) that the things they observed (e.g. he is too self-absorbed, wow what arrogance, he has feelings of self-importance and grandiosity) and the truths they managed to convert to lies (e.g. maybe it’s just me, maybe he’s just going through a lot, maybe it’s just a flaw that can be fixed) are actually whole, absolute truths. We have been deceived. They are facts —real, observable facts that can be determined/tested/proven, and all this time we made ourselves believe we can fix it, or we can help it, or we can do something about it.

I’m sitting here and I’m telling myself, “it does not at all feel good to realize we have been victims for such a long time, try two years.” Why did I put up with that? One, because I didn’t know he was that. A narcissist. Two, my heart always deceived me. Like they say, there’s a lot of self-deception when it comes to matters of the heart.

After getting this assessment from my discipler/counsellor, I did my research just to make sure. True enough, I already recognized the traits on the very first line, and in the succeeding paragraphs. I was reading and I noticed not just the similarities, but that I saw him, I read him, and I related. Quite exhaustive, frankly. But it helps us as we grieve and mourn the part that we were preyed upon and stubbornly we would just not accept it at that time. Well, now there is no more denying it. We learn to pull away, to pull ourselves out of the cycle in which these people entice us in, and we get away. We get away, we don’t only close the door, but we pack up and leave. We do not give them any more entry in our lives, and we cling on to God for dear strength and grace, praying, “Lord, I’m tired. Please take it from here.”

In the meantime, here are interesting facts I’d like to share with you as I was googling for answers. They were really helpful to me as I understand better how for two years I stupidly settled and put up that masochist self.

In a website I found on NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it says,

The European diagnostic criterion for NPD is not clearly laid out. In America, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders – Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) sets out the criteria for NPD where sufferers exhibit:

“Behaviour or a fantasy of grandiosity, a lack of empathy and a need to be admired by others. As indicated by at least five of the following:
A. Grandiose sense of self-importance.
B. Fantasies of and preoccupied with beauty, brilliance, ideal love, power, or unlimited success.
C. A belief of being special and unique and can only be understood or a need to associate with people of high status.
D. Requires excessive admiration.
E. Has a sense of entitlement: An unreasonable expectation of being treated with favour or excepting an automatic compliance to her / his wishes.
F. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends.
G. Lacks empathy.
H. Believes others are envious of her / him or is envious of others.
I. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes

The most striking characteristic was when it described narsi people as “lacking empathy.” One writer even said, “It’s impossible to overemphasize the importance of narcissists’ lack of empathy. It colors everything about them.” I know that like I know the back of my hand. I’ve seen that many, many times in the course of my relationship with him, back and fourth. Empathy is described as the ability to recognize and interpret other people’s emotions. Lacking of empathy therefore means that they are unwilling to recognize or sympathize with other people’s feelings and needs. They “tune out” when other people want to talk about their own problems. Let me add what Joanna M. Ashmun states in her website.

Now, it is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it’s possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance (which we had); this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you’re bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way.

I caught the words “Do not expect” and in the course of our complicated relationship, that’s mostly the reason I’m always frustrated and disappointed. I expect him to do the normal, natural things people ought to do, like consider my feelings when he does something that would really hurt. But I’ve long realized that he hardly was interested in me or my life, and that he does not make amends or if he does, it’s to protect his reputation, and he rarely initiates and talk about things in our relationship. There hardly was a sincere apology, and all those tearfests and waterworks at home were mere dramas he has so painfully mastered. Now in being in a relationship with a narcissist, she writes,

“It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists. They’re pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, and they’ll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority figure. That is, as long as they think you don’t count or they’re afraid of you, they’ll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off — just like that, sometimes trashing you and all your friends on the way out the door. The narcissist will treat you just like a broken toy or tool or an unruly body part: “If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off” [Matt. 18:8]. This means you.

I failed to keep an emotional distance from him, precisely the two years I stayed, or right after the relationship took a sour turn when I had turned him down before. And pesonally, not only is lack of empathy an issue, there really is no “others” for him, but just his self. Ate Anne puts it in a meaner, but truer term. “Object.” Add to that “devaluation.” “abuse.” “Lies.” “Distortion.” These are terms and facts I know so well.

I also got a good deal of information from this website. Everything I wanted to know was basically there.

So the Question is, can Narcissists love other people?

Here’s what Hotchkiss has to say.

“NARCISSISTS ARE PEOPLE WHO never learned to make it on their own. Except for their fantasies of perfection, envy of others who have what they lack, and unacknowledged fears of humiliation, they are empty on the inside. They have no real Self to bring to a relationship with another person, but they desperately need someone else to join them in their emptiness and help them maintain emotional equilibrium. The ideal candidate is someone willing to become an extension of the Narcissist’s fragile ego, to serve as an object of admiration, contempt, or often enough both. The sign over their door ought to read: Abandon Self All Ye Who Enter Here.” Hotchkiss (pg. 121)

It doesn’t sound good so far does it?

The problem is that Narcissists don’t know the true meaning of “others”; people are mere objects to them at best extensions of themselves. A narcissistic person may love:

(1) According to the narcissistic type:

(a) what he himself is (i.e. himself),
(b) what he himself was,
(c) what he himself would like to be,
(d) someone who was once part of himself

(2) According to the anaclitic (attachment) type:
(a) the woman who feeds him,
(b) the man who protects him.” (pg. 33)

Throughout their life time most people will alternate between the two methods of object choice, often exhibiting a preference for a particular type. Narcissists have a tendency to select a partner according to the narcissistic type – as you can see this choice is all about their image.

Admittedly, I fall under number 2a, “the woman who feeds him”. I give him care, love, sincerity, and my whole heart, because I was absolutely believing he was a good man. Self-deception of the heart again.

These are the victims of the narcissist’s deceiving emotional messages. The narcissist mimics real emotions artfully. He exudes the air of someone really capable of loving or of being hurt, of one passionate and soft, empathic and caring. Most people are misled into believing that he is even more humane than average. They fall in love with the mirage, the fleeting image, with the fata morgana of a lush emotional oasis in the midst of their emotional desert. They succumb to the luring proposition that he is. They give in, give up, and give everything only to be discarded ruthlessly when judged by the narcissist to be no longer useful. Riding high on the crest of the narcissist’s over-valuation only to crash into the abysmal depths of his devaluation, they lose control over their emotional life. The narcissist drains them, exhausts their resources, sucks the blood-life of Narcissistic Supply from their dwindling, depleted selves. This emotional roller coaster is so harrowing that the experience borders on the truly traumatic.

A Narcissists charming behaviour lasts as long as they get what they want from you i.e. that you provide evidence to confirm their view of themselves as special.

*Breathes heavily*

But I am still conflicted. That’s it? The 2 years I’ve been going through is summarized into a personality disorder? I can tell myself now that he is not considered anything to me anymore. Not special, not alive. I guess I have seen and heard the truth. I have swam in a sea of lies for a long, long time and I am so ready to get back on dry land. But at the same time, I want to suspend my disbelief in him. Because after all, he is a person. He’s not just a label or a case study. Could he really be this or are his character flaws really just magnified? If he has the narcissistic tendencies, it’s sad he is a Christian then. Or is he one, really? Can you both? Can you be both narcissistic (self) and Christian (death to self and submission to Christ) at the same time?

Like Tainted Canvas

It started out with a lone canvas, pale, blank, untainted. It doesn’t matter if it’s made of linen for oil painting, or cotton for acrylic; it was a sturdy fabric of significant strength. And though bare it was, it had beauty, potential, like a page of a book that will soon be filled by a seasoned writer. It had beauty, potential, like a piano sheet waiting to be written on. It was empty, but it had potential for beauty. It was only waiting for the master Painter to draw on it.

And the Painter had looked on it for years, wondering when he could fill it and with what. Like all forms of art, there was the element of season, the element of time. It could not be rushed otherwise it would be ruined. The Painter was making sure the time was right, the time was perfect. He would not draw on it even if the canvas was beckoning him, “come, draw on me. Paint me colors, add life.” Like all forms of art, there was also the important element of thought. What was the Painter to draw on it? What would be the theme, the subject, the composition? It could not be done thoughtlessly; he had to be considerate and attentive. He had to think things through —the best he could. He wanted the drawing to have meaning. He wanted the meaning to convey truth. And he wanted truth to speak out loud. He simply would not settle for a thoughtless, meaningless, untruthful drawing. It had to be a reflection of him —the Painter. It had to be his own.

So the canvas stood there, untouched, for how long only the painter and the canvas know. It had beauty, potential, but it was empty. The canvas stood there, waiting, waiting, waiting ‘til the Painter draws on it. “Come, draw on me, paint me colors, add life,” it cried. But it stood there, untouched.

Until one day, the canvas met another painter. The painter had never gone to this part of the room where the canvas stood. Everything was foreign to him. And when he saw the lone canvas, he was amazed at its nakedness. Outside were paintings screaming of color, shade, life. But this canvas had been left untouched, left uncared for. He thought, “Why has it taken so long for any painter to draw on it?” The painter was eager to touch it, to make it his own. He did not consider the time nor the thought behind it. He did not consider what he would use to draw on it, or how he would let the painting have meaning, convey truth, and speak out loud. He just wanted to try it out, see what would come out of his painting. And the canvas said, “yes, paint on me! I trust you to make me a work of art.”

So the painter drew lines upon lines. He had them long, short, zig-zag, spiral and circles. He drew all kinds of shapes and colors of different shades and hues —but above all he poured on red, for passion, he thought. And the canvas was thrilled. For the first time, the canvas felt alive. He had been drawn on. He now has something to show.

But the painter was easily displeased. As he looked on the canvas that was half-finished, he saw neither beauty nor potential for beauty. He only saw lines, and shapes, and colors that gave no meaning. “What was I thinking?” he thought. Too careless and unconcerned to repair his damage, he left the canvass unfinished. He did not bother cleaning up; he did not even want to touch it again. He dashed towards the door, ran as fast as he could, until he was no more. He left the canvass portraying a picture of disorder, confusion, nothingness. He left the canvas feeling even more uncared for. The canvas was heartbroken.

The original Painter soon returned to find that his canvas had been drawn on. He was sad the canvas could not wait for him, for at that moment, he had already in mind the painting he wanted to draw. It had a story, a beautiful one, majestic and only for him. It was a story no other paintings have or could have. It was his own. The canvas lay there speechless, ashamed for it had not waited. It looked at itself as tainted, ugly and used. It did not want the Painter to work on him any longer for shame. The canvass felt useless.

The Painter insisted it was okay; He wanted to work on the canvas. “I can restore you to your beauty; I can even make you new.” But the canvas would not let him. “I am tainted. Is there still beauty left in me?” It wanted to go back to the other painter, and the other painter obliged, if only for pity. He tried to remedy his mistake, tried to make up for his error, but no matter how much he drew on the canvas, the painting seemed to be distorted more and more, until the canvas could not recognize itself anymore.

Too embittered, the canvas gave up. “I am covered in too many drawings. Don’t you see how the lines and shapes don’t make sense? The colors don’t even give life. I cannot see myself anymore.” It pled to the other painter, “I want to go back. Do not try to remedy me; it is not you I need. I need my master Painter.”

And the canvas, with nothing left of itself, went back to its original Painter. “Please work on me if you can. I am already a tainted canvas.”

And the Painter took the canvas in to his drawing room and said, “Tainted you may be, but still lovely. Now let me work on these markings, and I will make a beautiful painting out of it.”

KZ abesamis, Nov. 18, 2009

Word for the day: Unnecessary

I had originally intended not to write about it since I don’t think it’s necessary, but sometimes, we need the unnecessary things to give us a little perspective. I don’t know if that just made sense to you, but it does to me. Lately, I’ve been so consumed with these unnecessary things (or feelings) that I can’t quite separate myself anymore from what is necessary to what is not. So I end up writing about it instead, if only to articulate myself without having to bother people over whether they think it’s necessary. Like experiences that are just for us, for example.

My short Baguio trip was a combination of two things —a necessity for rest after 8 sleepless nights working on the Golden Chronicles, and just a trip to take my mind off things, which was completely unnecessary because being in Baguio defeats that already. But I went anyway, with Keren and Meryll last Friday. We missed the 12pm trip and had to settle for the 2am, which meant 2 hours of additional carbo-loading in nearby Jollibee, and discussing where we would wile away our Saturday morning upon arrival. It was decided: a trip to PMA for dear Meryll’s sake, and a tour in UP and along Session to satisfy our genormous appetite for food that is uniquely Baguio’s.

At least we have one less thing to worry about: accommodation. Kuya Eric (a.k.a Pastor Eric now) took us in at the Parsonage of Aurora Hill Baptist Church, where our friend Ate Mei and her son Ike are staying as she waits for the delivery of her daughter next week, the soonest. We scrapped PMA for lack of time (and maybe destiny) and just decided to go to UP instead. I was with two UP alumni, how could I say, “what’s there anyway?” so off we went to UP, then after touring their small, clean campus, we went back to the Parsonage to have lunch cooked by none other than Nanay Dolor. (Tinola, my favourite!)

After we toured around Session (going to the usual places such as Vocas where Kidlat Tahimik’s Oh My Gulay restaurant is located, stopping by for pictures at Barrio Fiesta’s gigantic statues, and doing our early Ukay shopping), we decided to eat at Vizcos for dinner, with my brother OJ catching up. The weekend was starting to get ‘heavy on the tummy’ for all of us, but who could resist that sumptuous salmon with lemon sauce and strawberry vinaigrette salad? Not me.

We decided to end the night with music and coffee. Jazz is a particularly feel-good music to me, so Keren suggested Overtones just in a small eskenita along Session road. Her friend had warned us however that the place “has changed and isn’t what it used to be.” Wondering what that meant, we went to Overtones and finally understood. The place that used to be a cozy jazz-bar was now just another bar full of barfing minors on the verge of irresponsible adulthood who maximize their youth and vigor for life by drinking alcohol and listening to rowdy music —noise, if I may. I had tried to stay away from these places for most of my life, even when some of my very own friends are so into them, and I offered Meryll a quick explanation on the topic. “I think when you get older, your definition of fun gets tamed a little, and you would rather have the company of a few friends over coffee and late-night talks on whatnot.” So we went instead to Kaffe Klatsch along Legarda, another cozy coffee place featuring acoustic bands, but not until after we waited for about 20 minutes hailing a cab.

I was quietly enjoying the music at Kaffe Klatsch, with Meryll even requesting some old songs, when, at around 11 in the evening, a familiar face walks in. Darn. Of all places. I was a fraction of a second late to react because by the time I realized I know this person, he had already seen me.

“Uy, hi! Andito ka pala!”, he goes. I awkwardly say hi back, and then, without me asking, he offers an explanation as to why P wasn’t around. I was less than enthusiastic over the unnecessary information. After some more pleasantries and introducing him to Keren and Meryll (Meryll whispering “ang gwapo ah”), I went back to my seat and at that moment, I felt I was melting away in unnecessary shame and I thought, “Now is just the perfect time to vanish into thin air!”

But why had I reacted that way? Why was I so concerned that I bumped into his mistah? It wasn’t like I intended for that to happen so he could mention it to him. And even if he did mention it to him, why should I worry? Does he need to know my being there every time? It’s not like I was insulting him by not telling him. Let’s just say that my life does not revolve around one person. If I wanted to go up to Baguio, I can without having the need to tell anyone about it.

But something did hit me that night. I was affected. Two things: I tried to be discrete over my going up to Baguio. And two, in the process, I wasn’t actually discrete over my feelings; I was still affected.

The night we left for Manila, Sunday, I received a text message which directly went to my screened messages inbox.

“KZ, andito ka pala hindi ka manlang nagsabi.”

Did I need to? I guess not. I was on my way home.

His Eye is on the Sparrow

“Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.” (Matt. 10:29-31)

Do you sometimes get to that point where you worry about your life and what it will be two, three, five years from now? I know a lot of people including myself, who worry about it more than they should. Sometimes, it consumes us because we want answers now, answers maybe we can get for ourselves if we can help it. At 24, I think I should already be able to make something out of my life. Have a career I enjoy, an advocacy I am truly passionate about, a life that more or less can afford a luxury or two, and relationships that go beyond the casual Hi’s and hello’s that permeate our society. It’s all about meaning and direction for me. I want a career I can see myself doing for the next 10 years, an advocacy to tie with that and where I could devote my time and energy, and relationships I can commit to long-term. I think if I were to rate myself, I’d say my relationships are what I’m truly thankful and proud of, because they’re founded on the principles I myself live by: faith in God, love, commitment, value for sincerity and honesty, the sacredness of purity, a zest for life, and FUN. The best kinds of relationships are those that uphold and encourage you to be the best you can be. With God in the center of your relationships, everything else falls right into place. I have a lot to work on with that, but I am thankful to God for the ones I have now, the ones that really are worth keeping.

I just made it to one year with my work. I really do believe I am made for this. Community development is not something people readily decide on when it’s presented to them. It takes more than just willingness because a community is composed of people. And people are imperfect and selfish by nature. It’s hard enough having to deal with a friend or a person opposite your character, much less work with various groups of people who belong to all the types of personalities ever known to man. But work is not permanent. In a year or so, we might move out of the country. Starting another job in a foreign country will really shake me to the core. The idea that I will be “uprooted” from my life here in the Philippines is something I have yet to accept and think about. If I’d have it my way, I would stay here and learn more about my job. It feels like I’m still learning the ropes, still on training after just a year.

I worry about these things: job, money, people, desires, and my future in general. When I think about how everything around us seeks to have some form of life, I try not to grope for answers in the dark, especially because readily available and accessible to me is God’s Word, which is the light. Just today, I listened to Sandi Patty’s song which was originally written by Civilla Martin and Charles Gabriel in 1905, His Eye is on the Sparrow, and I was again reminded of how God constantly checks on me much like He does over His other creation.

Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart feel lonely?
And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is He
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches over me

If God watches over even the sparrow and feeds it, then even more does He watch over His children and provide for their needs. I am humbled. I worry about these things but my God tells me not to, because He is my portion. And He is more than enough for me.

I broke up with my Past.

When the moment calls for you to finally break up with your past, with everything else around you showing the necessity for and inevitability of it, pakiusap lang, don’t struggle anymore. Set yourself free from the chains of emotional imprisonment —because you don’t need it. I’ll take it from Aissa on our “round-table discussion” in Bohol last week, “contrary to common practice, relationships don’t have to be complicated. We just make them that way.” It doesn’t always have to be a you-and-me-against-the-world kind of thing. True, you work hard at the relationship and it’s not always a walk in the park. But if eighty percent of the time you are trying to make the relationship work and keeping it from falling apart, then we are missing the obvious.

We are always left with a choice and this week, the choice is period over a comma. And by God’s grace, I did it. I finally took the risk to put a period to what has long been a question mark, a comma, a question mark, and another comma.

No more settling for what’s there or what’s left. Let’s just put the past behind us, live the Present, and look forward to a good future as God promised.

“I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.” – Psalm 57:2

Romance inside the House

I admit: I watched Pinoy Big Brother Double Up last night when I was home early and didn’t do anything anymore except be a couch potato. And I particularly liked that part about Tom and Princess. Here’s the whole story.

Watching them last night I admit kind of broke my heart til i was reduced to a sobbing girl. Was it just me or did everyone else think it was painful watching them say their goodbyes? Just the separation and distance, the sudden cut of something beautiful, even how the cameras were focusing on their eyes as they tear up, and the budding romance between these two young people, hmmm. Intriguing.

Well I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for them. Once Tom gets out from that bubble (Big Brother’s house), I’m sure the friendship will progress into something deeper. And don’t you just find Tom a sweet guy? The way he said he’d like to take her out one time for dinner, and how the house feels empty without her, and just seeing her smile that puts him at ease. Honesty and sincerity, mmm hmm —a good foundation to friendship.

Here’s to the unfolding of their love story!

Don’t call me “CHICK”

So I got back from my 3-day excursion to Bohol and I uploaded pictures in my face book and a profile picture of myself and a friend in my yahoo messenger. The picture was Mel and I on the beach under the scorching heat of Bohol sun.

This guy, let’s not even give him a name because giving him a name would give him existence, messages me in ym. Below is an excerpt of the conversation, and why don’t we call him IG for ignorant guy, because that’s what he is.

IG: wow
Me: huh?
IG: you look so good now… even before pa naman. Di ko lang alam na ganyan ka na ka “CHICK” ngayon..
IG: Congratulations!

(congratulations?? So now my aspiration in life is to be an ultimate chick?)

IG: no really you look good.
Me: congratulations? what is this? Ugly duckling story?
IG: parang? ahehehhe..

(and here’s his comment that threw the girl out of me)

IG: ok lang yun, keysa naman Dr. Jekyll
Me: excuse me? are you for real?
IG: yup!
IG: ayaw mu?!
IG: la bang photoshop edit yan?

(What a jerk. And then I went invisible for a while)

IG: ui…
IG: oh man….
IG: na misinterpret mu ata…?
IG: are you mad?
IG: ok,.. if that’s how you take compliments…..
IG: hayyy…

(Okay, that is enough! I come in again and tell him off.)

Me: First of all, you are offensive. You’re out of line with that Dr. Jekyll comment of yours
Me: and second of all, don’t you ever call me CHICK.
IG: baket?
Me: Coming from you, that is so not appropriate.

What a doof!

—end of conversation.—

If that’s what some men call a compliment, then shoot me in the head for not recognizing it. Second, you don’t give those kinds of comments to someone you haven’t seen in over six years thinking you are in some level of closeness where you can go and give out your stupid opinion. And the worst part is when he lays the “blame” on me for not being able to see this is a compliment? My, aren’t we just surrounded by jerks or what?

Rebuilding Marikina

Devastation. It was devastation everywhere. Some houses were swept away by the raging waters of the Marikina river with people being helplessly dragged by the strong currents. One woman described it as “parang isang malaking ipo-ipo sa tubig”. As people were scrambling to get to the highest floors of their houses, some of the smaller houses around them were already submerged until only the roofs can be seen. Others were only thankful they managed to climb up even before the waters rose high. It seemed that to everyone, life was more important.

“Akala ko mamamatay na kami. Hindi ko na nga sinubukang kunin ang mga gamit namin, maligtas ko lamang ang pamilya ko,” recounts Aling Jenelyn, a resident of Balubad, Nangka, Marikina.

This wasn’t the first time Marikina experienced this kind of flood. Being a river basin, floods are normal occurrences in Marikina, especially during storms. What made it different was the gravity of devastation brought about by Ondoy. An elderly woman shared, “bumabaha naman talaga dito, pero ngayon lang ito bumaha ng ganito.”

Looking at the devastation that Ondoy left in Nangka, one can’t help but feel if not sadness, maybe anger for the tragedy that befell this small Marikina community. Could it have been avoided? What could they have done?

All these people know was that despite the tragedy, God definitely spared them. “Awa nalang talaga ng Panginoon na naligtas kami di tulad ng iba.” Elsewhere in Marikina, the conditions were graver. That is not to say Balubad has lesser sufferings, because for certain, the people have had their share of grief and losses. People are suffering from diarrhea and some have died from dengue and Leptospirosis or disease from rat urine. While the waters receded a day after Ondoy, the community still does not have potable water and electricity to this day. The place is still clearing up mud along the streets and in their houses. The need for medical attention is great especially to the elderly people who seem to be losing the battle to survive. As a whole, Nangka is still reeling from the deadly typhoon and what used to be the cleanest city in the country has suddenly become a wasteland.

May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. – Psalm 20:1

But help comes in many different ways and through many different people.

Last September 29, three days after Ondoy hit, the International Baptist Church of Manila went to Balubad to respond to the need for relief operations. The donations were given by members and friends of IBC to 120 families in Balubad. The next day, IBC deployed another batch of volunteers to distribute to another 120 families and a third batch was deployed again last October 4, making a total of 500 family-recipients.

It was followed up by a medical mission in the community that was conducted last October 10. Thirty one members of IBC assisted in the Medical mission that served 162 patients, but many more still need medical assistance. Through IBC’s Youth Pastor Mak Reyes, the community was able to touch base with the locals and establish connections among the leaders of the village, particularly the Purok leader Mrs. Vilma Rollado who has been the leader of the community since 2003.

Mrs. Vilma has her own heroic story to tell. During Ondoy, their house which was the highest house in the community accommodated around 60 people on the third floor as the waters were quickly rising. Fearing that their house might collapse with so many people, she and her husband used a makeshift bridge to let the children and elderly men and women cross to the other house. “Sa panahong iyon, tulong tulong na talaga lahat, at kailangan mabilis magisip dahil di natin alam kung sa isang iglip eh mawawala nalang agad.” The whole day as Ondoy was continuously pouring, they didn’t have any food to eat save for junk foods which they shared among themselves. It was an experience all of them will never forget.

International Baptist Church is still helping the community, hoping to adopt it long-term, and has conducted various mud-out operations through the help of various organizations, such as the Southern Baptist Global Response Disaster Relief Team with 30 American volunteers from different parts of the US, with sponsorship from the International Mission Board. The Americans helped out in cleaning the Nangka High school and TESDA which is home to 2,060 students and 400 TESDA employees from Oct. 12-15, bringing in their equipment on purifying water. The Women Missionary Union also distributed relief goods with IBC last October 19, sponsored by Ministry without Borders. Nangka, through the help of Pastor Mac, formed a team that will be headed by Mrs. Vilma’s husband, Fernan. They will be trained for the mud-out and clean up drive. The Luzon Convention of Southern Baptist Churches is also conducting their mud-out operation on Oct. 22.

Help is not far for this small community in Marikina. The same God who spared them during the onslaught of Ondoy is the same God who is helping them recover by pouring in His love through the various support and commitment of organizations that are partnering with IBC. We wish to thank these organizations and we hope that as we continue to reach out to our brothers and sisters in Nangka, we will be able to usher them in to a community of love and accountability that is deeply rooted in Christ.

Sharing Jesus to the Community

Of the 3,000 families that were exposed to the Gospel during the operations, 700 have already prayed to receive Christ. We rejoice with the angels over this breakthrough. The important task is to follow them up, lead them into small discipleship groups and transition them to a local church within the area.

Marikina in pictures (3 weeks after Ondoy)

Pastor Mac invited me to the clean up drive and community assessment in Marikina along with the global response/Southern Baptist Disaster Relief Team from the US. This is the 2nd week of IBC’s relief operations in Marikina. Last October 10, they conducted a Medical Mission. On sunday, relief operations again and feeding program. Basically, I was to write and publish an article which I didn’t mind because I won’t ever assume this body could dig through the mud. Let those strong Americans do that. Oh and hey, they were all nice! There was even one young American… (just saying) haha :p

Anyway, it was nice being able to talk to the people. It’s one thing to see the devastation, it’s another to hear about it firsthand. Wait for my article

I loved my purple boots!

trying to salvage what they can.

Anybody there?

More wreckage

What a living condition

More work to be done

center of attention??

poor koala bear

Everyone's friendly Pastor

Kz's purple boots

Long haul

I am looking forward to helping out this community long-term. God-willing, IBC will adopt this community and we will win these people to Christ.

Consistency

You accuse a woman of wavering affections, but don’t blame her; she is just looking for a consistent man. – Johann Wolfgang Von Geothe

At this point in my life, I’m not looking anymore for someone who’ll be here one moment, and gone the next. People tell me I could be so hung up on this age issue, but it’s true. Come next year, I’m 25, and I’m not going to play around, not even attempt to.

I was reading three journals last night. They were my 2008 journals. One journal has a life cycle of about 3-4 months for me. It’s funny because in one year, I filled up three journals that basically had the theme of inconsistency running all over it. I was here one moment, and then there the next. I was feeling like a girl on cloud nine and minutes after, I’m falling down from the sky. We were friends, then strangers. Strangers, then a little more than friends. We were civil, then sweet. We were sweet, then sour, maybe even bitter. Why is balance so hard to achieve? Why can’t we be consistent of how we feel, what our convictions are, and how we’re going to act around a certain group of people? Can we just stick to, “around her, I’ll be this kind”, and, “with him, I’ll just be my usual self.” But no. We love drama, oh how we do. We crave it, and without drama, we’re like a comic strip that never has those punch lines to make the story entertaining.

And that’s how it’s been for a while with a certain person. It’s just inconsistent. No, in fact, around many people it’s been inconsistent. Reading through my journals made me realize that it’s kind of been the pattern with people I consider special. Either they are too scared to admit what they feel, or they admit it and I do the messing up. And then that’s how inconsistency runs through the relationship. Through blurry lines and unclear boundaries. We act like we care for each other, and yet we don’t always show we do. If you tell me you care for me, then show it! Don’t just do that lip service because I am far from entertained. If you say you value honesty, and I do, too, then why aren’t we being honest with each other, or are we just too proud? I don’t mean to force an admission out of you. At best, I just need consistency. I need people to be consistent when they act this way, and when they tell me this, or show me that.

Be consistent. Don’t get me high up on the cloud and falling the next. Just be a consistent man, for once.

Globe Customer Care? You must be kidding me.

Here’s the rant of the century for me.

So this is how frustrating our internet connection has been at home.

We lost connection after Ondoy hit. Apparently, the facility (whatever that is and wherever that is located) is still being repaired, and yet it’s been 17 days since Ondoy. Most people I know already have their internet connection restored. It’s been 17 days, are we going to wait for a month?

Everyday (and this is no exaggeration), Keren and I call Globe. When I’m in the office, I call them. At home, Keren calls. It’s a never ending follow-up on our part. And we get the SAME reply every single time. “Ma’am, it’s still being repaired, we’re very sorry for your inconvenience.” And believe me, so many customer service agents have already been at the receiving end of my wrath. I CANNOT absolutely believe that they are following this up when they advertise on the newspaper and on TV that restoration is complete. I CANNOT absolutely believe they are doing the best they can and trying to update us because WE DON’T FREAKING get any single update! So one time, as I was on the phone with an agent, he gave me the usual memorized, practiced, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry for your inconvenience”, and I lost it. I snapped at him and said, “Are you really? Cause I’ve heard that before.” And he was silent for a while. And so I said, “You know why I don’t believe you’re sorry? It’s because you’re only trained to say that to every customer but you are completely isolated from feeling or even understanding what we truly feel and how frustrated we really are. Your system sucks. There’s no better way to put it. You keep telling us you will update us and yet we don’t get any text, we don’t get any email, we don’t get ANY UPDATE, and yet you promise time and time again you will update us.”

I mean, unlike Smart, the moment I tweeted about our problem with the internet connection of Smartbro in the office, Smart’s Customer Care twitter followed me and already sent me a message. And while they were also delayed on their promised on-site visit to the office, the next day, the connection was okay. And I am just going to vent my frustration here because I know at best, customer service agents can only receive my complaints. In fact, the agent that I spoke with this morning pulled up our call history/reports and said that we’ve been following up since Sept. 27, a day after Ondoy. And we’re not after the rebate. They can subtract the days we’ve been out of connection from our bill for all I care. I AM AFTER GOOD FOLLOW-UP and BETTER SERVICE on their end. What is one text to tell us what the status is of the facility or how restoration is being done? FLOOD ME with TEXT messages and I could care less because at least I know you are doing your job. They keep telling us they will update us, and yet they never do, and we will never even get updates if we don’t call ourselves!

So Globe, you don’t know how to take care of your customers! You’re all about advertising and selling, and making people believe you care about your customers, and I can tell you right now you’re a lousy liar. Keren and I made sure that this gets across. One time I told the agent, “if this message is being recorded, then I want you to play it over and over again, give it to your supervisors, give it to your bosses, and make sure they know how we feel, because it’s not just the inconvenience that upsets us, it’s how you treat your customers.”

And please save my number already. Because every time I call, they ask me to confirm my cell number and every single time I tell them, “no, that’s not my number. I changed it already and told people from Globe a hundred times, and you’re still asking me? Isn’t your information CENTRALIZED?”

What a terrible internet service provider GLOBE Broadband is.

Desiring Purity

“How can a young man keep himself pure? By living according to your Word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:9-11

What does it mean to “hide God’s word in our heart?” What is it to remain pure? How do we seek God with all our heart?

I once read a quote that said “The Bible will keep you from sin, and sin will keep you from the Bible”. Maybe it sounds simplistic, but it’s quite true. Daily meditating on God’s word and reading it will help us stay away from sin. It’s when we spend time everyday with God that our character is changed and we begin to look at sin differently, and we become more and more like Jesus. My favourite author Philip Yancey said, “The solution to sin is not to impose an ever- stricter code of behaviour. It is to know God.” And how can we know God if we do not spend time reading His word? But hearing it is just one thing. Doing, is another.

I think one reason why the struggle to keep pure in this world is difficult is because we don’t keep God’s word in our heart. We hear about it, yet we don’t keep it. We let it pass through our ears.

When you hide something, it’s the most precious thing for you, something you value and cherish the most. It’s like hiding or keeping your jewelries where no one else can find it but you. You’ll keep it so close to your heart. Last night, as I was reflecting on this, I realized that this is how I should treat God’s Word. Find God’s word to be the most important thing in your life, hide it in your heart, do what it says, and we’ll find that obeying it will not be as hard.

This is my prayer: Lord God, help us not only desire purity, but to live it out daily. Give us the grace to say NO to our earthly desires, and help us glorify you in what we think, say, and do. Like David, enable us to keep going straight, not to stray from your commands or choose to disobey. Instead, help us hide your Word in our heart, where only you reside. Amen.

Every Man for himself with Ondoy

Ondoy left our country in a devastated state. You don’t have to look far; you can probably just look at your own backyard to see the devastation that was caused by Ondoy. Our caretaker was at home yesterday checking and fixing things that were damaged —doors, books and magazines that won’t come out from the bookshelves, lights, and all these other things. Our piano was badly damaged and I was so frustrated when I was playing it last night. Compared to other people’s damages, I know ours is relatively small. But it is damage, nonetheless.

I also just heard news from my twin sister that finally, water has been restored at our place. That’s 5 days without water and not staying at home because of the inconvenience of having to ask water from neighbors. All the trouble of waking up in the morning and filling up pales and pales of water —I can do away with this. But when my sister and I decided to sleep at home last night because water was filled up for us by our kind neighbors, there was another cause for irritation: the mountain of garbage piling up in front of our very house. And I could smell the stench of garbage which lay untouched since Sunday. Where are the garbage collectors when you need them and why aren’t they collecting garbage? They purposely do not pass by our street probably because of the mounds of trash they have to pick up —katamaran kaya ito? I was told that a councilor lived nearby, and yet he wasn’t doing anything either. I haven’t even heard anything from our barangay captain, let alone barangay officials inquiring about their constituent’s safety and well-being. Seems no one in our neighborhood is there to help and it’s every man for himself.

And I think that’s what happened during the tragedy of Ondoy. After Ondoy struck, it was every man for himself. Do we see the government helping us when they’re supposed to? It’s taking them forever to act and they have the audacity to show up on TV saying they are doing everything they can to help us. Senators need a resolution to release P1M for the victims, but what is 1 million when you see Kris on TV getting pledges from their endorsements of as much as 5 million pesos in just one air time? The reason we’re banking on emergency funds from the government is because the need is immediate. But where did our emergency funds go to? Ah, you can ask Le Cirque for that and you can also go directly to Malacañang to inquire about the President’s expensive travels abroad. Maybe those were also very immediate needs for the President and her crew. What about the MMDA? Before Ondoy, we have all these advertisements on Metro Gwapo and all these grandstanding on infrastructural developments. Suddenly, post-Ondoy, Mr. Metro Gwapo is quiet. And the NDCC? Presidential candidate Gibo Teodoro was just telling us weeks and months ago in his “ads” paid by his friends about our disaster preparedness. If we were so prepared, let the body count disprove that.

No, it was every man for himself. We needed life boats, and the government couldn’t provide them to us. We don’t have medicines to give, food to keep our countrymen from getting hungry as they wait to be rescued. We don’t even have choppers and the necessary rescue operation equipments. I heard my officemate read an article that said, “ang mga pulitiko basta eleksyon, lulusubin pati ang kasuluk-sulukan ng pilipinas. Pero pag panahon ng tumulong pagkatapos ng kalamidad…” (Our politicians, when it’s time for Elections, they will go to every nook and corner of the Philippines to campaign. But when it’s time to help after a disaster…:”

No. It’s private groups leading the efforts to help out Ondoy victims. This is good and bad at the same time. It’s good because you can see how concerned everyone is, and the spirit of volunteerism is well and alive among Filipinos. But it’s bad because it gives government officials some form of “justifying” that there are others who are helping, anyway. Believe me when I say, that’s how some officials are. They are merely relying on Red Cross, international aid, the military, however limited resources are, private institutions, individuals —and like De Quiros, “you wonder why we still need government.”

The Ondoy Aftermath

I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with the images I see on TV, the videos I get to watch about the Ondoy aftermath, the stories I hear of people rescuing other people, people dying, people needing to be rescued, still. I am overwhelmed because so many people are in need and while I know relief operations and donations are coming in, there is still a lot to be done. In fact, even the government admitted that it was not ready to cope with Ondoy’s devastation.

I live in Makati. My place was not spared by Ondoy. Just in our street alone, the flood was chest-high but because our house was elevated, the waters were only knee-deep. However, photo albums, important documents, cupboards, piano pieces and even the base of the piano were all submerged under water for hours.

Fortunately, that Saturday, my twin sister and I were both out of the house and stranded some place else. That morning, I went to church to meet with Pastor Mac to discuss the Souvenir program of our 50th church anniversary. I was asked to be the Editor-in-Chief and there was some hesitation on my part because I know I only have a little time left before the anniversary, and I just have so many commitments right now, including travels up north for work. But given that the other leaders would also be helping out in the articles, I accepted. That was what the meeting was about that morning. It was 9:00am. Ondoy started pouring out its wrath shortly after. My church is at the heart of Makati, just in Tordesillas, Salcedo Village. It hardly floods there but this time, the flood was waist-deep. Even cars outside were half-submerged while you can only see the roof of the smaller cars parked outside. Proof of how deep the flood was was the presence of one foreigner who took this opportunity to ‘surf’ in the middle of the street. How strange people are in these rainy days.

So I was stranded and couldn’t leave church that day. I’ve lost contact with Keren. Last update I had was from her facebook status saying she left her phone at home, and their office warehouse was flooded, and they were barefooted and up on the second floor. I was not able to contact her since then. We only saw each other the day after. I decided to sleep in church in the nursery room, and my best friend called me informing me that Keren was safe and sound in our grandmother’s place in Makati, too.

But I was very, very fortunate to still be in Makati. We had water, we had shelter, food, electricity and internet! While everything around me was chaos, I was safe and could only get news updates here and there from facebook statuses and news reports. Little did I know the gravity of devastation Ondoy was causing that very day.

I write now, 3 days after Ondoy’s onslaught, overwhelmed, sad, and wanting so bad to help out. Reportedly 140 people are dead, and the numbers keep rising. I see on the news images of kids being pulled out of the muddied waters, cars on top of each other, houses that are no more, appliances high up on electrical cables, landslides, deaths, deaths, and more deaths. The worst-hit areas are in Marikina, Pasig, Quezon city, Pampanga and Rizal.

This is where we will help. My friends and I are volunteering for Red Cross Rizal Chapter this weekend. I texted some friends if they would like to help out, first by gathering goods —medicines, blankets, biscuits, bottled waters, bread, muffins, canned goods (and with can openers, too!), and then we will head to the Shaw office of Red Cross, help pack, and be deployed to Rizal. I want so bad to be where the action is, and a big part is because it doesn’t feel right that we’re comfortable here and yet so many people are still needing help.

If you would like to volunteer in anyway, I suggest you check this website.

I know, however, that Filipinos can pull themselves up again. We’re known to be very resilient in times of hardship and suffering. You can rely on Filipinos to help each other when it matters most. If you are a Filipino abroad and would like to help, go check the website because there are also many ways you can help back home.

Dear Ondoy,

September 26, 2009. Written while I was at church and Ondoy was pouring its wrath that Satuday.

I don’t like you; let’s get straight to the point. I don’t like that you caused and are causing so much trouble to everyone across the Philippines. People are stranded and being evacuated as I write. Cars are submerged, houses even. Reportedly, nine have already died in Metro Manila alone. Hundreds are up on their roofs waiting for you to stop crying so the waters would recede. People are swimming in chest-high, some even six-feet-deep dirty water with I don’t even want to begin imagining what’s swimming with them. I never thought I’d liken Metro Manila to Atlantis, and mind you, I love the idea of Atlantis. Why do you cry so much and pour your wrath out to us? A friend joked that this must be your way of cleansing the Philippines of its physical and moral filth. I laughed and said, “then you should just be pouring it out on Malacañang.”

But let’s get back to reality. My, you are a very troublesome boy, aren’t you? Marikina river has overflowed, and I bet you already know this. Don’t you know that our Pastor had to leave this afternoon because his family was evacuated to a nearby church? Apparently, he had to cross the Red sea, only this time, the waters didn’t part. And my aunt just informed me that their three cars are already submerged underwater. And we’re talking Pajero cars here. Oh, and their refrigerator is also floating somewhere in their kitchen. I’m also stranded, by the way. I’ve been here since 9:00 am and although I have food, thank goodness, other people are starving outside, waiting to be rescued. Which is one of the reasons why I don’t like you. You see, Ondoy, much as I know you’re only doing your job, being that you’re a natural force of nature, I don’t like how you revealed we in this country aren’t doing our jobs right —at least, those who should be helping us when disasters strike. You revealed how unprepared our country is in dealing with disasters. Maybe I should even thank you because you’re only signal number one. Imagine if you were more than that, maybe we’d truly be a water world to behold.

I tried calling Meralco this afternoon. I know that is trying to reach heaven because during your season, they can hardly be reached. I even tried to get through their mobile hotline and it still won’t get through. The National Disaster Coordinating Council has too much tied in their hands right now. I called the Makati city trunk line to inquire for a local disaster coordinating unit. Even their hands are tied. I realized that who I should be calling is DPWH and MMDA because they’re the ones in charge of drainage and all that. But why call now? It seems useless because apparently, your continuous crying just showed that our taxes have gone down the drain. Why are our drainage systems this bad? Why the flooding every time? I’m sure something is terribly wrong with how things were managed even before you came.

So we get it, alright? WE GET IT! You want to show how bad our systems are, but I’m sorry to tell you, ganun talaga dito. We get your point! This country is terribly unprepared and has so much to fix thanks to you. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about your brother Milenyo who visited as this time two years ago. I get your point: two years after, we still haven’t done anything with our drainage problems. Kaya nga please, sila nalang sana bahain mo. Ayun oh, asa Malacañang na nga sila eh. Pwede ba sila nalang? Nadadamay kami eh.

O pano, will I see you leave this country for good? Sige na Ondoy, LEAVE. You got your point across. Tama na sa pagiyak, madami ka ng kadamay dito.

The First month

I marked September as “Month number 2”, that is, the second month since I stopped communicating with (and here’s the complicated part, coming up with a definition or a term for him) Paulo. He could be many things to me (an ex, someone I used to date back then, a special guy) but this one is for sure: the past two years, it’s been constant him and everyone can attest to that.

So this month was the second month since I braved it out and said to myself, “you know what, Kayz, he’s fine without you, and you’re fine without him!” The last conversation we had was during my birthday, July 7. He was my first and last call of the day. I admit I was glad he called me even that late at night because I know he was terribly tired and busy. I didn’t even think he’d call again as he already did that morning. And if I’m honest, I know that I just didn’t want to be disappointed or to have any expectations whatsoever. Prior to that call, we’ve been doing well as friends. The past months were good for us. We hardly fought over anything. We were just, letting things go by.

But there was always this nagging thought in my head that at some point, I will have to distance myself. It’s not because I don’t like him anymore, or that I’m mad at him. In fact, we haven’t been this ‘okay’ for a long time and I thought we can probably just stay this way and it will sit well with both of us. The question is, will it really sit well with me?

The reason I wanted to distance myself and cut the communication was more for me than it is for him. I just want to move on, sans any drama. As simple as that. He was able to do that. After we broke up, he found himself another girl friend —the cause for all our complications. I didn’t think he’d replace me that early, that soon. I was heartbroken that any mention of the girl would literally get me close to cursing. And I hardly curse. I think that’s how we women are—even if we don’t directly know the person, as long as she is his new girl, she immediately becomes the enemy. Not that I’m saying it’s good, but that’s a general observation.

So I wanted a clean cut —moving on as friends, no hard feelings, no fights, no drama, nothing. Just really cutting the communication and not letting him know about it. I think that’s due me. So much has already been sacrificed for this one relationship that I wanted so badly to work out but didn’t. And nobody can tell me I didn’t try hard enough to fight for it. I did. In fact, even when he had a new girl friend, I hardly moved. I was here all along. I was at first in denial (well, I found out about it 3 months after the break up) and for those three months, he was still around, and he didn’t even tell me. When they broke up (her forever translated to just one freaking month), I was still here. And he still went back to me. Maybe I was also just this other constant for him, as he was for me. In the months following his having a new girl friend, and prior to their break up —there the drama dwelt. I wanted so much to leave because I didn’t see any need to stay anymore. I questioned him many times why he wanted me to hang around when he already has his girl friend. Maybe some men are just that way –they want a fall back? I guess it’s only now I can pinpoint the reason why. We’ve known each other close to two years and that was enough time for me to understand some part of him and know why he acts the way he acts, or thinks the way he thinks.

Knowing that, I was pretty confident my leaving him wouldn’t be as big a deal anymore as it always appeared to be. I wanted to move on because I wasn’t able to do that when we broke up. We’ve had all these closure talks in the past and they just never seem to close anything, ironically.

We would agree to part, and then weeks later, we’re back to our old habits. It doesn’t take much effort to bring us back to our old selves, probably because of familiarity. He’s already familiar with my ways —he knows what gets to me. He knows my tantrums, what makes me mad, he knows when I’ll give in. It’s scary because this familiarity isn’t always going to work out well for us. I don’t like it because it makes me remember those hurts in the past. I’m so familiar with his ways and yet, I just don’t seem to learn from it.

There were still so many things left unsaid between us. Funny how our pride has always kept us from being completely honest with each other about our feelings, but maybe it was also the very thing we needed for self-preservation. The way we keep getting back into each other’s lives after all this time is just not healthy. We have got to let go of each other.

So I did that. Right after my birthday, and after much counsel and seeking God, I put my heart out to God and said, “Lord, I know you don’t want me to keep wasting away so much time over this one guy, over this one relationship. It’s way past the expiration date and I’m tired of being indecisive when it comes to him.” So I prayed for strength, mustered all the courage I have, and prayed for peace. I changed my number, deleted my two friendster accounts, put him in my ignore list in YM, and advised friends not to give out my new number. I did all these without his knowledge. In a word or two, I disappeared. Completely untraceable, absolutely no way to contact me, I just disappeared.

And then I told myself, I’ll start counting the months. If I get through this first month, then I’ll be fine.

And I was. I was doing fine, until September came, the second month. For some reason, he got through my YM, and then got to contact me in my old cell number (which I happened to turn on that very same day), and the rest, was ‘hop’ history.

Paulo is someone I really care for. A part of me is still emotionally drawn and attached to him. Maybe because he was my first, and because it was this one relationship I wanted to cherish more than all my other relationships, serious or not. When I decided I’ll move on, I didn’t have any ill feelings towards him.

But now, I don’t know. Too many mistakes in the past and I want to learn from them. Ayoko maging sirang plaka. Paulit ulit. It’s a never-ending cycle between us. And we’re still good friends, no questions about that. But sometimes, even friendships need a break.

I don’t know why I entertained him again, and why I’m open again to us being this close. It doesn’t take much effort to bring back the sweetness, because like I said, we’re too familiar with each other. He’s always been special to me. But I’ve always been just an option to him.

So it’s back to square one. It’s back to counting the first month.

What works, Lord? I tried my best; there was so much potential in that choice to move on, because I really wanted to do that. And I don’t know what will work anymore, because I already hid away, didn’t I?

Is it back to counting the first month again?

Empowering Itogon

Empowering the Project Management team of Itogon, Benguet

Just came back from our Itogon PMT Meeting and I am overjoyed to see so much potential for greatness Working hand in hand is key to a fruitful and productive team who will enable the community to take part in the Education Governance program in Itogon!

Here’s praying I’ll be that girl again.

“I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please.” Song of Solomon 8:4

Well I used to be that girl, and somehow, a part of me is wishing I could be her again.

I received an email from my step dad two days ago, a letter he calls as an ‘unsolicited advice from a loving father.’ It was regarding the recent upload of pictures taken during the Hop which I attended a week ago. Obviously, parents who are far away from you only get updates from things you write, pictures you upload, maybe crazy shout-outs here and there. I don’t limit my parents’ access to any of these, mind you. I let them in on my blogs, photo albums, and threads are freely accessible. Contrary to what people say that there’s invasion of privacy, I actually think it helps them see us in a clearer way. Allowing them to see what we do trains us to be responsible and disciplined, and at the same time, assures them of their trust in us to be ‘good, mature’ individuals. I’ve always been open this way with them, and I think one of the reasons why I’m more comfortable sharing things with my parents when I write about it is because they’re writers themselves. There’s something about writing it out and expressing through words that give me comfort.

While I have been receiving too many compliments and comments regarding the pictures (all positive, don’t worry), I know I was going to get an email pretty soon from either my mom or my dad. My mom is hardly confrontational (don’t get me wrong —there was nothing racy about the pictures or indecent for that matter), but I knew my step dad, being protective as he is, would give a comment or two about love, relationships and men.

So he writes me a long letter, and in a sentence or two, let me paraphrase what he advised. “Give your time and energy fully to doing the will of God and His work, and while you do that, it will still be impossible for you to miss the man of God. Just wait.”

I think more or less that was the crux of the letter.

I agree with what he told me. When I was in college, I was so focused on school and ministry that I hardly had time to date. Well in fact, I chose not to date, making a vow on my first year to not be in a relationship until I graduated. You don’t have to agree with me, but I believe, and am actually still of the opinion, that you enter into a relationship when you know you are ready to get married. Because what sense is there to be in all these relationships if you’re not heading towards the direction of marriage? Why waste such precious time –two, three, maybe even seven years, and yet marriage is not within sight? I have no time to play around. I still am that way. Part of the reason my last relationship didn’t work out quite well was because I thought it was rushed and commitment was an issue, a big one. If I don’t see myself being together with this guy for long, why date? And if I do see myself and want to be with this man for the rest of my life, why rush? There’s a lot of waiting here and there before we finally get to that point where we say, “Yes, Lord, I’m ready for this relationship.” Which is why I waited.

But the part that got me thinking was when my dad said it would be impossible for me to miss the man of God even if I turned down all the eligible bachelors that come my way. Simply because, God will not let me miss him. He would come at the appointed time, and when God knows I’m ready.

When can we say we’re ready? I think some part of me grew tired of waiting. Believe me. The last thing I want to do is to settle for the guy that’s there, because I might miss out on who God has planned for me. But at the same time, I get anxious just thinking of when and where and how I’ll meet him. Isn’t he someone I know now?

Elisabeth Eliot said something about this in her book, Passion and Purity, my all-time favorite Christian read. In her book, she explains why it’s better if we were still “asleep” in our desires, and just let God “wake us up” when it’s time. I know what she means. When you’ve experienced how it feels to like/love somebody, and you’ve opened up to your desires and longings, it would be harder to shut them out, even control them. Even King Solomon agrees to this by saying in Chapter 8 verse 4, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” I like the King James version better, because it puts God right into the verse. “I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please.”

Until he please —until God finds it appropriate and ready. That’s the scary part of waiting.

I really do pray God would once again give me the grace to be that same girl in college who knew her priorities, who focused on God and His work, was content, fully satisfied and lacking nothing. I pray God will enable me to give up the comforts of my dreams and fantasies because they only veer me away from focus. I would very much like to just concentrate on God and let Him satisfy me like no one else can. Do I desire to be single? No. But I was told that every season of singlehood is a gift, and I pray I will come to see it that way, so that serving Him would be done joyfully, and faithfully. He is my Rock, my Refuge, and I trust He knows my heart.

A trip down memory lane (and back to PMA)

Took to heart John Gay’s quote, “We only part to meet again.” Last Saturday, I left Manila to fulfill Gay’s quote, but in reality, I really wanted to focus on the opposite, “we meet to part again.”

Anyway, I accept Pau’s invitation to be his drag (date) for the hop in Baguio. It was a good time to catch up with him —who said exes can’t be friends?

Lakas ng loob mag backless sa Baguio :p

Fears aside, the Joshua and Caleb way

My mom said that there are four important decisions you will have to make in this lifetime. The first and most important among them is deciding if you will have Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior. Nothing else is as important as choosing to submit one’s life to the Lordship of Christ. The three others are, following this order, choosing what course to take in college, then choosing what career path you will take, and (arguably to some people this takes center stage), choosing who you will marry (call it what you want: life partner, God’s best, the One). Marriage, after all, is a decision that will affect our entire lifetime.

I’ve already decided to follow Jesus as my Savior and Lord years and years back (the best decision I’ve made), and I’ve already graduated from college with my chosen course. I’m 24, and I would like to think I am well on my way to being stable (and sure) of the career path I’ve chosen. I do not see myself doing anything else except development work. I think I am made for this, and I am most fulfilled when I help people, when I get down to the real needs of the community, and when I can actually take part in contributing a solution to these needs. God-willing, I would very much like to stay in this kind of work.

I talk about these because after the last Leaders’ Meeting and Manual Training with BSF, we had our Fellowship night where Tita Erlyn asked just one question following our study on Numbers 12-14 (the Israelites sent twelve spies to the land of Canaan and they reported back with two contrasting views). She asked, “What are your fears?” Remember those spies? Ten of them came back to the Israelites fearful of the people they saw in the land of Canaan. They said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are. They look at us like we are grasshoppers.” But Joshua and Caleb had faith expressed with confidence: they trusted in God when He said He will give them the Promised Land. They reminded the people to not rebel against the Lord, because “if the LORD is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us.” They were not deterred by the sight of strong, almost like giant-tall people. “Do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the LORD is with us. Do not be afraid of them.”

Fears. What am I most fearful of? I’ll relate it to the last decision I have yet to make: Choosing a lifetime partner.

When I shared to the group that I fear making the wrong decision when it comes to relationships, I did so recognizing that most of these women are almost like my second mothers, therefore married. The Leaders’ group consists of thirty or so women coming from different churches and I think eighty percent are married. Some of them are the same age as my mom; the rest are in their mid thirties. At 23 when I joined the leadership of BSF this year, I was the youngest. I know that they would understand and relate to my sentiments, because as what Tita Erlyn said, “they were young once.” They know what I am going through, and it’s a good thing that times have changed because during their generation, to be married at an early age (18-22) was favorable than to marry late (25 above). Today, I can’t even imagine myself marrying at 25 because one, that’s next year (haha) and two, I have no boyfriend yet, and three, I am not yet ready for marriage, all factors included.

But I do fear and am anxious of choosing who this man is for me. A lot of the fears have to do with the fact that I don’t want to make the wrong decisions that other people around me have made. I do not want a replication of mistakes, and I wish to learn from them. Too many mistakes in the past have made me more cautious and I hope wiser, and while people around me (and within my own family) have made these mistakes, I do not have to look far: I am just as prone to making them and I need just as much guidance and discernment. In fact, I’ve had my share of mistakes –some graver than others.

I guess there comes a point in our lives when we start thinking and getting serious about this. While I haven’t had a serious relationship yet, I’ve had my share of heartaches —and they reflect bad decisions on my part because they would never have been heartaches if I only wised up early on. Then again, mistakes help us learn. Keren used to say that there are no mistakes, only choices. So I made wrong choices before, and I hope this time around I’ll make the right ones.

So what else do I fear?

It’s not the mind that’s the problem. Most of the time, it’s the heart. The mind tells you, “you know what to do. You know this is the right thing.” And yet the heart says, “oh, but you feel so much for him.” So you go on this roller coaster ride of emotions, putting behind everything you’ve ever learned from reading all those books, and all those wise advices and gentle reprimands, and you put your heart out to whatever you feel is right —and in the end it’s not about the feeling —they never last. I fear that I will be caught in the moment and forget the lessons I’ve learned. I fear that I will follow more my stubborn heart, for none is more deceptive than the heart. I fear I will not take heed the wise instructions that were put there in my defense and protection. I fear I will let my heart rule over my mind (and it’s not all bad but it’s a balance between the two), and in the end, it’s the heart that suffers most. Why didn’t you listen? Why do you still refuse to listen?

I am anxious of who God has prepared for me —this one guy who will love me entirely, and not just a part of me. I fear that in my anxiety, I will be impatient and choose the next one that comes along. I fear I will settle for who’s there, who’s left, who’s around. I fear I will miss out on God’s gift for me because I was too doubtful and not trusting Him enough to take care of it since He already knows who He has for me. I fear I will dictate and say, “well, Lord, I think he is the one.” God-forbid I insist on who I think should be for me, because sometimes, the answer is just plain obvious.

I almost cried when Tita Nenette said, in response to my sharing (which actually got the group intrigued) that looking from the other side, as a mother, she fears for her children, too. She fears they will make the wrong decision about choosing who to like and love. She said her prayer is that more young women like us be deeply rooted in the Word, and that we will just wait on God as He prepares the man that is for us.

Well, it seems I also got my answer during the Fellowship. Tita Judith mentioned that Caleb and Joshua exhibited FAITH, while the ten others exhibited FEAR. What sense is there in being a Christian who follows her God when I don’t practice faith or cannot trust Him to deliver me from my fears? I would like to believe, in all sincerity and hope, that God knows my fears more than anyone else in this world. The only way to battle them out is by exercising faith, and Hebrews 11:1 gives a very good definition of Faith. It says, “now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” In King James Version, it translates, “now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

If there’s something I will take away from this lesson (among the other valuable lessons), it’s that God honors Faith. He blesses those that have faith —because it shows a complete trust in Him regardless of whether we see the end picture. For why do we need faith if we already know what’s going to happen in the future?

Balancing act

I’m trying to balance out some things in my life —seems like I’m not so good at it. But I just have to keep trying.

Balancing act

with Ivy and Carmel after Moral Force Movement

35 is not 1000 —unless you’re from the Customs

This is how corrupt our Bureau of CUSTOMS is.

Today, I asked my brother OJ to pass by the Post office in Pasay so he can get the two books my mom had sent us from Michigan. Early this week, I received a Claim slip that said I was only to show my ID as addressee and pay an amount of P35.00 for the delivery/claim of the books. I gave OJ my passport and I asked him to sign the claim slip as my representative since I won’t be able to claim the books today because of work.

To my surprise, as soon as OJ got there, he was being asked to pay P1,000 pesos before he could claim the books. He texted me and I was surprised myself. What 1,000? Didn’t the claim slip say it was only P35? I told him to ask again for the process but I already knew some form of corruption was going on.

I stormed inside our office and ranted about how corrupt the Customs is. Fortunately, my officemate and big sister Ate Malu, who used to be the Executive Assistant of Sec. Teves of the Department of Finance, knew people who could help us. She was so quick that it hasn’t been a minute since I told her about the problem and she was already on the phone with her friend. Her friend knew someone from the Customs in Pasay, “ang kilabot”, so it was arranged that her contact would call my brother and also the officers harassing OJ about the books. They would help us out.

As I type this, I was told the problem has been solved —at least, communication has been made between OJ and my officemate’s contact who already called OJ and I am praying he would get the books, because it would be so sad to have OJ come home all the way from Baguio just to get his books, and have him experience something so disgusting like this. I told OJ to not get fidgety and rush to bargaining with the officer for a discount because that’s like haggling with corruption. WE NEVER LET CORRUPTION ABUSE US.

Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” I was also a bit shaken up. I think what OJ And I need to do now is to just be still, not do anything but pray and hope that Ate Malu’s contact will be able to help us out.

Is this the kind of officials we have today? I abhor them, I really do. I hate how corruption affects everyone and victimizes the very helpless. My brother did not go there carrying 1,000 because he knew he only had to pay 35. P35 pesos WILL NEVER BE 1,000 pesos —unless we are bobo in Math. And my brother was from Manila Science, currently studying in UP, and his favourite subject in the world happens to be Math —35 will never be 1000 for him. The numbers just don’t make sense.

This corruption —-what can we do about it? It makes me SICK.