The First month

I marked September as “Month number 2”, that is, the second month since I stopped communicating with (and here’s the complicated part, coming up with a definition or a term for him) Paulo. He could be many things to me (an ex, someone I used to date back then, a special guy) but this one is for sure: the past two years, it’s been constant him and everyone can attest to that.

So this month was the second month since I braved it out and said to myself, “you know what, Kayz, he’s fine without you, and you’re fine without him!” The last conversation we had was during my birthday, July 7. He was my first and last call of the day. I admit I was glad he called me even that late at night because I know he was terribly tired and busy. I didn’t even think he’d call again as he already did that morning. And if I’m honest, I know that I just didn’t want to be disappointed or to have any expectations whatsoever. Prior to that call, we’ve been doing well as friends. The past months were good for us. We hardly fought over anything. We were just, letting things go by.

But there was always this nagging thought in my head that at some point, I will have to distance myself. It’s not because I don’t like him anymore, or that I’m mad at him. In fact, we haven’t been this ‘okay’ for a long time and I thought we can probably just stay this way and it will sit well with both of us. The question is, will it really sit well with me?

The reason I wanted to distance myself and cut the communication was more for me than it is for him. I just want to move on, sans any drama. As simple as that. He was able to do that. After we broke up, he found himself another girl friend —the cause for all our complications. I didn’t think he’d replace me that early, that soon. I was heartbroken that any mention of the girl would literally get me close to cursing. And I hardly curse. I think that’s how we women are—even if we don’t directly know the person, as long as she is his new girl, she immediately becomes the enemy. Not that I’m saying it’s good, but that’s a general observation.

So I wanted a clean cut —moving on as friends, no hard feelings, no fights, no drama, nothing. Just really cutting the communication and not letting him know about it. I think that’s due me. So much has already been sacrificed for this one relationship that I wanted so badly to work out but didn’t. And nobody can tell me I didn’t try hard enough to fight for it. I did. In fact, even when he had a new girl friend, I hardly moved. I was here all along. I was at first in denial (well, I found out about it 3 months after the break up) and for those three months, he was still around, and he didn’t even tell me. When they broke up (her forever translated to just one freaking month), I was still here. And he still went back to me. Maybe I was also just this other constant for him, as he was for me. In the months following his having a new girl friend, and prior to their break up —there the drama dwelt. I wanted so much to leave because I didn’t see any need to stay anymore. I questioned him many times why he wanted me to hang around when he already has his girl friend. Maybe some men are just that way –they want a fall back? I guess it’s only now I can pinpoint the reason why. We’ve known each other close to two years and that was enough time for me to understand some part of him and know why he acts the way he acts, or thinks the way he thinks.

Knowing that, I was pretty confident my leaving him wouldn’t be as big a deal anymore as it always appeared to be. I wanted to move on because I wasn’t able to do that when we broke up. We’ve had all these closure talks in the past and they just never seem to close anything, ironically.

We would agree to part, and then weeks later, we’re back to our old habits. It doesn’t take much effort to bring us back to our old selves, probably because of familiarity. He’s already familiar with my ways —he knows what gets to me. He knows my tantrums, what makes me mad, he knows when I’ll give in. It’s scary because this familiarity isn’t always going to work out well for us. I don’t like it because it makes me remember those hurts in the past. I’m so familiar with his ways and yet, I just don’t seem to learn from it.

There were still so many things left unsaid between us. Funny how our pride has always kept us from being completely honest with each other about our feelings, but maybe it was also the very thing we needed for self-preservation. The way we keep getting back into each other’s lives after all this time is just not healthy. We have got to let go of each other.

So I did that. Right after my birthday, and after much counsel and seeking God, I put my heart out to God and said, “Lord, I know you don’t want me to keep wasting away so much time over this one guy, over this one relationship. It’s way past the expiration date and I’m tired of being indecisive when it comes to him.” So I prayed for strength, mustered all the courage I have, and prayed for peace. I changed my number, deleted my two friendster accounts, put him in my ignore list in YM, and advised friends not to give out my new number. I did all these without his knowledge. In a word or two, I disappeared. Completely untraceable, absolutely no way to contact me, I just disappeared.

And then I told myself, I’ll start counting the months. If I get through this first month, then I’ll be fine.

And I was. I was doing fine, until September came, the second month. For some reason, he got through my YM, and then got to contact me in my old cell number (which I happened to turn on that very same day), and the rest, was ‘hop’ history.

Paulo is someone I really care for. A part of me is still emotionally drawn and attached to him. Maybe because he was my first, and because it was this one relationship I wanted to cherish more than all my other relationships, serious or not. When I decided I’ll move on, I didn’t have any ill feelings towards him.

But now, I don’t know. Too many mistakes in the past and I want to learn from them. Ayoko maging sirang plaka. Paulit ulit. It’s a never-ending cycle between us. And we’re still good friends, no questions about that. But sometimes, even friendships need a break.

I don’t know why I entertained him again, and why I’m open again to us being this close. It doesn’t take much effort to bring back the sweetness, because like I said, we’re too familiar with each other. He’s always been special to me. But I’ve always been just an option to him.

So it’s back to square one. It’s back to counting the first month.

What works, Lord? I tried my best; there was so much potential in that choice to move on, because I really wanted to do that. And I don’t know what will work anymore, because I already hid away, didn’t I?

Is it back to counting the first month again?