“How did I go from turning the corner of possibility to nothing at all? – Joey (Dawson’s Creek)
“But… how could it be over? We can’t just say “I love You” for the first time and have it be over.” – Dawson
I’ve always argued that “I love you” is something you never just give away so casually. I do believe that. How can anyone ever say I love you to a person and forget about it after a few days, or a few weeks, or after a month? How can I love you just be reduced to mere words? How come people take I love you so lightly, like they’re only saying “good morning” or “kamusta na?” Why do men (or women) say I love you without counting the cost or weighing the consequences? Words are cheap, and anyone can say I love you. When God said He loved the world, He didn’t just say it. He demonstrated it. He proved He loved the world, beyond all justification and reason. If God saw it appropriate to match His words with actions, can I expect less, then?
I’ve been postponing writing about this for almost a week now since it happened. I wanted so much to blog away, like I always do when something bizarre happens or when I encounter what I call a ‘life-to-KZ’ moment. Most of the blogs I’ve written were inspired by life-to-KZ moments, moments that will forever change how I look at things and life in general. Just like hearing a guy tell me “let’s see” when I asked what his intentions were. That prompted me to be more cautious with guys whose motives are so well masked and hidden behind the guise of friendship. Pwede ba naman yun, sabihan ka ng “let’s see” pagkatapos umamin na gusto ka niya? Nakakaloka.
This time around, the words have gone deeper, and let me just say, more disturbing. I’m serious. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to write even if my fingers are itching to type away. I haven’t been able to think properly but I still believe myself to be sane and functioning, thank you. I talk to God, to some friends, and to myself, and lately, I’ve found peace and comfort in settling for silence than seeking for answers. I used to ask so many questions, like “Was he telling the truth?” “Was it another lie?” “Why did he say that?” “Do you believe him?” or “Why did you believe him?” and I realize that these questions are the very things that unsettle me. Sometimes I wonder if I just think too much or if I’m really just a detail Nazi. Am I way too critical that every action and every word is scrutinized? This week, though, I’ve learned to accept that sometimes, it’s better to be silent. And I took to heart the words of Ecclesiastes, that there is a time for everything, “a time to be silent, and a time to speak up.”
7 months, 4 days and 18 blogs later, I realize that this ‘searching for answers’ isn’t going to stop anytime soon, unless I decide to end it myself. What sense is there for me to keep asking when I know I’m never going to get the answers I want? (to hear)
“Oo, gusto ko siya,” he told me coldly when I asked about this new girl. Was that the answer I was looking for? No. It hurt me, but that was his answer to my silent question “am I still in the picture?” echoing Joey in Dawson’s Creek, “How did I go from turning the corner of possibility to nothing at all?” He didn’t even have to hear my question for me to know the answer.
I could keep questioning about this “I love you” that was given to me months ago. I could demand all I want that it be justified, or that it be explained to me or else it be taken back, because honestly, it did more bad than good. But you know what, I have no right to question how a man loves. Everyone loves in his or her own way, and the expectations just didn’t connect. It was as simple as that and I feel I don’t need answers anymore. I just don’t.
It’s also just very unfortunate that in the process of letting go and moving on, one will inevitably get hurt, and maybe it was him, but mostly it was me. Because he said I love you. Because I believed he did.
And don’t even ask me why. I just did. let’s leave it at that.