I wish we could all go back to being kids every time we have to be an adult over something. Like handling questions. Kids can always get away with irresponsible answers like “eh kasi sabi niya eh” or “hindi ko po alam” and people will not take it against them. They can get away with being rowdy and noisy and disorderly, and they can even cry as much as they want to and people will not get so annoyed, or if they do, they’ll understand it as part of being a kid. They don’t need to give too many explanations while adults have to explain over and over again. When they get into a fight, they cry about it and later on, kiss and make up. One “sorry na, bati na tayo” will do. Sana ganun pa din ngayon.
Today is the day I ramble on about life in general and mine in particular, and I have nothing intelligent or inspiring to offer anyone, not even myself.
All I have are questions that have been asked before yet have found no answers. All I have are realizations that hurt because I tried to escape from them. And even if I want to write about the Mindanao Peace Process, Jueteng and the plan for recall against Gov. Ed Panlilio, and maybe ask why Octoberfest is celebrated on September or how come DLSU and ADMU tickets are sold out already 4 days before the game, I’ll only be fooling myself, because they don’t mean as much to me as I’d like them to. Eh ano ngayon kung kinicriticize si Panlilio? He’s a political figure, and his being a good politician is exactly the reason people criticize him.
Right now, the word I’d like to hear and focus on is “balance”. That’s what I don’t have; that’s what I’m striving to have.
My dad noticed I’ve been losing weight and as I was about to leave the house this morning, so did Lizzy. “KZ, bakit sobrang pumapayat ka nanaman? Yung space na ino-occupy mo, ang liit liit nalang.”
It’s nobody’s fault I’m thin or getting thinner. Let’s just say, I’m trying to moderate my consumption. And it’s not because people say I’m getting fat or anything. I’ve always just been this way –eating too much, and eating too llittle. When I eat too much, people say ang taba ko na. When I eat too little, people say, ang payat ko na. But I don’t know if I’m eating too much or eating too less. I eat, isn’t that what’s important?
So around 11:45, I went to Rufus for lunch and ordered for take out. Nakakainis. Pati ba naman yung tapsilog, kinailangan kong hanapan ng balance. Yung sauce nung tapa, masyado maalat para sakin. Hindi ako pwede ng maalat dahil meron akong Kidney stones. At bakit may sauce, di ba dapat dry ang tapa? Ano to, beef steak? At yung itlog kulang nalang eh maging sabaw na niya yung mantika. Nalulunod na sa kamantikaan. At yung kanin nila, hindi mukhang 1 cup. Parang ½ lang at ginawang garlic rice para makabawi.
There are days I just feel like crying because of the weight of my problems, and because sometimes, I make them heavier. I remember last year around June when I was working with AFAP, some scholar friends and I had a discussion on crying. One asked me, “when was the last time you cried?” and I said, “just yesterday.” She goes, “No, I mean, really, really cried.” And I gave her the same answer. “Yesterday, like really, really, yesterday.” And I returned the question to her and she said, “I don’t remember”.
Some people deal with their disappointments and frustrations in life by crying and it doesn’t mean they don’t get things done. Sometimes, you really just have to have a good cry. And after that, you will face the world, never mind the puffy eyes. Now I’ve been trying to ‘moderate’ my crying, that is, to know that this day isn’t good for crying because you have a dinner date and you don’t want puffy eyes, or this day is good because you’ll just be at home. But last night, I blame the music playing on the radio because it had me going, and I was inside a jeep!
The last place I ever want to be caught crying is inside a jeepney. Ayokong magpaka senti at gumawa ng sarili kong music video. Hindi ko kaylangan ng eksena sa jeepney to drive my point about life being a drama or a comedy. It’s in between. And of course I don’t want people to assume I’m crying over some guy (and they just might be correct but I will keep that to myself) or look like a fool and start covering my ears to whatever was playing on the radio, because that will surely give me away. Somehow, I managed to suppress my tears until I got home, and when I got to my room, sabi nga ng kanta, “iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit (o akin?)”
Galit ako sa paulit ulit nalang na mga tanong at sa dramang hindi na matapos-tapos. I wish I could go back to my carefree days as a kid. That when I ask questions and bug people to answer them, it will not break my heart if I don’t get the answer that I want, because then, as a kid, I’d believe whatever they tell me. And I can always ask more questions.
But now, I’m afraid that if I bug people to answer my questions, not only will I get no answer, I might also get an answer that I don’t want to hear. And either way it will break my heart. I’m afraid that i cannot simply answer “i dont know” the way kids do when asked, “why?” or “what were you thinking?”. I can’t simply answer “eh kasi sabi niya” because as an adult, i have the option of believing, and the capacity to reason logically. And people will not let me get away with “ewan ko” otherwise, i’m seen as irresponsible. The questions just never stop.
And just when I was about to get even more disheartened, Mr. Harvey Keh’s round face flashed before me on TV, the guy who interviewed me about education. He was lashing out against Pampanga Governor Panlilio critics and the Mindanao problem and then I thought, “oo nga naman. He has more important and more significant issues to deal with than to espouse the ambition of one very idealistic girl who doesn’t even know what she wants to be in life.”
Totoo yun. On my way home from Ortigas I was clouded with thoughts of “what do you really want to do?” and “what do you really want to become?” Sometimes I think the answer rests with me –that I can just say, “I want to be someone great, or to do something great and heroic” and end there. Sometimes I think it’s up to me, because this is my life after all, and whatever I decide to do, I decide on it myself. If I want to study or take up masters, no one will do that for me. I have to take all necessary steps to get there. If I want to travel and work in some foreign country, I won’t get there by sitting here waiting for the opportunity to come. Ako ang gagalaw, ako ang maghahanap. Ako ang pipila. Ako ang hahabol.
But this desire for something great and heroic is actually hurting my ego. kasi hanggang ngayon, wala pa din akong mapuntahan. Puro pa din ako ideals, ambitions, faith –and they’re all I have for now.
On the other hand, sometimes I think, and I always tell myself to think this way, that it’s not up to me, that I can only decide up to this point, and that the rest is up to God. There’s this part of me that struggles to get control and give control to somebody better equipped to handle them –my dreams, ambitions, questions. And who better to hold these dreams than the Dream giver and Dream enabler Himself? When I look at where I am now, I shrink back into smallness and declare myself ‘nothing’ before the greatness and vastness of this world. Wala pa akong alam, akala ko lang meron na, at kung ano man ang alam ko, hindi pa ganun ka lalim.
So there is room for more knowledge, room for more experience. Room for more faith.
And I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from all the crying and questioning that I do, and from all that believing because when I believe, there should be no “But” included. Either you believe or you don’t. And I believe Him, and I believe His promises, and I believe that one day, I will get to that place He has for me.
But I am still exhausted. And I’m sure, kid or adult, exhaustion happens.