everyday life · personal · random

Some things I will never get used to.

My mom and me
My mom and me

My mom left at quarter to three this morning. I was sleeping “soundly”, undisturbed in my room. It has been a tiring day –I tried to finish the proposals I’ve been working on since last week, left the office at 7, and met with my brother and sister at the mall so we can have dinner. My mom had been out the whole day, buying all that she needs before going back to the States (her contact lens, solution, medicines for dad which are cheaper here than in there). Later when she arrived, we watched a movie (which we didn’t actually enjoy that much because it was about alien invasion) that ended at quarter to 11. When we got home, she resumed packing her things, all her maletas lying open on the floor. I went online, checked my mails, readied myself for bed and went to sleep.

I was awoken by a faint noise in the background. I knew it was my mom getting ready to leave the house. She had asked OJ to get her a cab. It was also raining, i could hear. I sprang up from bed and found that she was still inside my room. She said, “I’m not yet leaving. Get some sleep first.” So i did.

When i woke up after that, though, she had gone to the airport. It was almost 4:00 am. She didn’t wake me up anymore and I didn’t get to say my goodbye to her –not a word nor a kiss on the cheek. She let me sleep “soundly” in bed.

I know I’m a little too old to be crying about this, too used to it even. For 6 years now, we’ve grown accustomed to her departures, to her coming and going. It’s not like this was the first time. In fact, she was just here last year for 4 months. But when i woke up today, I still found myself crying. I was really sad.I am going to miss my mom terribly and i have to get used again to not having her around.

What was it like having her around? For a month, we’ve been “pampered” with the kind of care and love only a mother can give. They’re really little things –to some, they’re even just ordinary things. Like waking up in the morning and there’s breakfast prepared for us, and dinner when we get home. Everyday when she’s at home, she cleans the house til every nook and corner is spic and span. Our plants by the front porch are thriving now when a month ago we hardly noticed they’re even there. One Saturday, as i was just at the sala playing the piano, she asked me why we don’t water the plants. “How hard could it be to water them? It seems like you don’t care about them. You know, we don’t have pets; we have plants. Treat them like pets. Water them, make them grow. It’s really that simple”, she told me. I was so tempted to say, “well ma, i never really liked pets anyway.” :D

The biggest “relief” of having her around was the fact that she loved cooking for us. For 5 years I’ve been doing all the cooking at home. It’s not a hard chore for me; infact, I love cooking. But sometimes, when you get home from work, all you want to do is just lie down in bed and rest, especially when you’re stressed from office work. My mom? Not only does she cook everyday, she also makes it a point to cook “what’s good, what’s biblical, and what’s healthy” and even insists on doing the dishes. She’s owned every chore at home. She’d simply ask us to be organized about some things, like paying the bills at home (we always get notice of disconnections because we’re never prompt in paying) and having a system for our laundry and garbage pick up.

But the simple reason why her departure just saddened me is because I was never really good with goodbyes. Every time someone leaves, it hurts. It makes me cry. Even with my ate (who was here last year), i cried a little when she left, not knowing when i will see her again. We’re not the closest sisters in the world, but we’re still sisters. And seeing my mom leave just reminds me of how far away we all just are to each other. It’s just Keren and me at home, and even then, we’re still far apart.

I miss my mom even now. There are some things I guess I will never outgrow –like crying every time somebody leaves. My friends comforted me today by saying that no matter what age you are, 23, 40, 60 and whatnot, no one is ever too old to miss their parents and cry about it. Tito Roland texted me saying, “I am sure there was a silent goodbye and a quiet kiss on the cheek, but it is hard for her too, as a parent. It’s okay to cry –tears are a language God understands.”

That, he truly does.

There are some things I guess I will never get used to. Saying goodbye to my mom is one.

Still, I am thankful. I am thankful for the one month I had a mom at home. :) God is still good.

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2 thoughts on “Some things I will never get used to.

  1. sometimes i wonder which is worse: leaving or staying behind. having experienced both, i think it’s being left behind. when you’re left behind, you feel an emptiness that can’t be filled. when you leave, you feel an emptiness, too. but somehow the prospects of what lay ahead soon overcomes it.

    cry if you must. it only shows you care.

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