“A man is too apt to forget that in this world he cannot have everything. A choice is all that is left him.” – Harry Matthews
When it comes to deciding, generally, you can rely on me. When you ask me to decide on whether I want to eat here, buy this, kill that ipis, I can make those little decisions without having to wait for everyone, because as you might have noticed, pinoys are always waiting on each other before they decide. Just like today, while deciding on where we would eat for work. I suggested KFC. And it took forever for the others to say yes because they keep saying, “kahit saan.” We don’t get to decide if we just say, “okay lang” or “kahit saan.” When an office mate asked again where we would eat, irritated, I said, “anywhere.” Let them have a dose of their own indecision.
Little things —I can decide on them quickly. Sometimes, I’m even too rash about a decision such as buying a dress and then regretting I bought it as there was a cheaper bargain elsewhere. I can be impulsive (well, I am impulsive) but you can rely on me to make a decision when needed. Back in college, as President of my organization, I had to make many decisions, and not only make them, but stand by them. Such as when dealing with an officer who was irresponsible. Deciding on what to do about it depends on me. I consult people, yes, but when you’re in a deadlock and you’re expected to provide the solution, then what’s left to do but to decide? The cons would be to answer solely for the decisions made —and that was always part of being a leader.
That’s also something to be said about making decisions. When it comes to the big ones, you find yourself making it alone. And when it turns out to be good, you have all these people quipping about how they contributed to this and that. There’s nothing wrong with it, really, especially when it’s for the good of everyone. What I don’t like is when people are with you on this decision, but seeing that you’re the main person and when the decision turns out to be a bad one, you’re the one person fingers are pointed at, and suddenly nobody is around you. But you deal with it —that’s how it is most of the time.
Going back to deciding on things such as where to eat, what to buy and the like, they’re easy for me, especially when deciding to kill an ipis, that’s a no-brainer for me. But when it’s high time to decide on something very personal —something you alone can decide on, say, closures, that’s usually the time when decisions take more than a day, a month, sometimes even a year. In fact, when deciding on something that will potentially hurt in the future, we stall the decision or simply become indecisive. Diyan ako magaling. I tell myself, “okay this is it.” And then halfway through the decision, I become apprehensive, and then doubtful, and then I stop. I just…can’t make myself decide on it today. Delaying decisions is like prolonging pain, especially when the decision is something you need, something you really just have to do.
All that changed about three weeks ago. When I turned 24, I told myself, “I am not going to let this drag me again for a whole year. In fact, I am ending it.” I prayed about it, sought God until suddenly, there was just this strength and peace in me that I didn’t understand which eventually led me to decide on it. I cannot give credit to myself for having made this decision, because it took me more than a year and 7 months to decide on it. I give credit to God because for all that stalling, and for all those moments of indecision, I didn’t know He was already working in my heart and preparing me so that when I do decide on it, I wouldn’t be as doubtful as I usually am. In fact, it felt right.
But just because the decision felt right does not mean I will not contend with its consequences anymore. In fact, the weight of the decision seems heavier as each day passes by.
The consequences, maybe remnants of guilt and sadness, they’re yours to bear. Nobody among your friends or family can share with you whatever sadness you may feel, and most of the time, nobody will really understand you. You get to a point where you sit down, pause for a moment and say, “why does it hurt so much?”
Maybe that’s why it takes us a while to decide on these things, because we already have an idea of the level of hurt we’ll get from this decision, and most of the time, the hurt is deeper than what we imagined.
Well, I decided on this, and I will stand by it. And I’m glad that I don’t have to stand by this by myself. If God gave me the strength to make this decision, then faith tells me, He will see me through.
Thank you, Jesus!