You accuse a woman of wavering affections, but don’t blame her; she is just looking for a consistent man. – Johann Wolfgang Von Geothe
At this point in my life, I’m not looking anymore for someone who’ll be here one moment, and gone the next. People tell me I could be so hung up on this age issue, but it’s true. Come next year, I’m 25, and I’m not going to play around, not even attempt to.
I was reading three journals last night. They were my 2008 journals. One journal has a life cycle of about 3-4 months for me. It’s funny because in one year, I filled up three journals that basically had the theme of inconsistency running all over it. I was here one moment, and then there the next. I was feeling like a girl on cloud nine and minutes after, I’m falling down from the sky. We were friends, then strangers. Strangers, then a little more than friends. We were civil, then sweet. We were sweet, then sour, maybe even bitter. Why is balance so hard to achieve? Why can’t we be consistent of how we feel, what our convictions are, and how we’re going to act around a certain group of people? Can we just stick to, “around her, I’ll be this kind”, and, “with him, I’ll just be my usual self.” But no. We love drama, oh how we do. We crave it, and without drama, we’re like a comic strip that never has those punch lines to make the story entertaining.
And that’s how it’s been for a while with a certain person. It’s just inconsistent. No, in fact, around many people it’s been inconsistent. Reading through my journals made me realize that it’s kind of been the pattern with people I consider special. Either they are too scared to admit what they feel, or they admit it and I do the messing up. And then that’s how inconsistency runs through the relationship. Through blurry lines and unclear boundaries. We act like we care for each other, and yet we don’t always show we do. If you tell me you care for me, then show it! Don’t just do that lip service because I am far from entertained. If you say you value honesty, and I do, too, then why aren’t we being honest with each other, or are we just too proud? I don’t mean to force an admission out of you. At best, I just need consistency. I need people to be consistent when they act this way, and when they tell me this, or show me that.
Be consistent. Don’t get me high up on the cloud and falling the next. Just be a consistent man, for once.