I’d like to think I am doing well after two months. Two months is a pretty long time considering the long history of irregular communications and cases of almost farewells. I’d like to think I am doing a good job keeping my end of the bargain: I have stayed away and have taken out the visual reminders. Somehow, I feel I have vindicated myself if only for these small ‘steps’ I’m taking to prove he belongs to the past.
Nate asked me what he can pray for as we were ending our chat tonight. I asked to be prayed for work-related matters, and then I turned to my heart. “Pray for my heart. Seems like there are so many unnecessary reminders and I would really just love to be shut off from all these things.”
“You’ll get over him,” Nate replied.
“I’m already over him. I just wish the world would participate and work with me on this.”
Do you ever feel like the cosmic universe is playing a game on you and mocking you in a not-so-good way? Like, hello world, aren’t you supposed to be helping me? I’m not saying this out loud as a direct protest to God, if that’s what it looks like. I do believe that everything in this world runs under His command, but these are hardly significant in the grand scheme of things. I’d like to think they’re actually just annoyances that make up our world —the way rats and cockroaches annoy us that we can’t find a good enough reason to believe they contribute something positive to the world, so are these reminders an annoyance to our daily life: they’re insignificant. Period.
And yet, insignificant they may be, they mock us. And such mockery is so unwelcome to my world now. Because as far as I know, I am doing all that I can to heal and I shall not allow anything to come between my resolve and desire for a healed heart.
I try my best to move forward, and yet I’m reminded constantly of you here and there. I read the newspaper and you’re there on the front page. I travel far, far away and yet I see a road sign leading to you. I sleep to rest only to wake up from a vivid dream about you. I open my journal and the characters spell out your name.
Why, world? Why won’t you work with me? Why won’t you let me have my piece of quiet? My piece of solitude? My piece of me?
I would really appreciate it if you would just give what is due me: a chance to move on. I think everyone needs to be given a chance to start all over again.