personal · random · thoughts

Pangungulila

I like that word. I think for the past weeks, that’s what I’ve been feeling, though I try not to admit to myself. Probably because I’m scared, and probably because I don’t want to feel this way ever again. I think the worst thing is to be in a state of constant longing and never really satisfy it. Like, the way you miss some things in your life that you know will never happen again, or worse, the way you miss people. I dread to think what loneliness there is in store for one who is never constantly satisfied.

And for that, I am thankful to God, because He constantly satisfies. And do I need that now more than ever —Him, His presence, His being my Lord, my Savior. His being the only one to truly ever understand me.

Otherwise, I would be in this never ending cycle of constant longing. Pangungulila sa nakaraan, sa nakalipas, sa hindi na mauulit.

One thought on “Pangungulila

  1. yay, that feeling is too familiar. i refer to it as sweet pain. hope this poem helps:

    A Tear And A Smile
    By Kahlil Gibran

    I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the multitude.

    And I would not have the tears that sadness makes to flow from my every part
    turn into laughter. I would that my life remain a tear and a smile.

    A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding of life’s secrets and
    hidden things. A smile to draw me high to the sons of my kind and to be a
    symbol of my glorification of the gods.

    A tear to unite me with those of broken heart; a smile to be a sign of my joy
    in existence.

    I would rather that I died in yearning and longing than that I lived weary and
    despairing.

    I want the hunger for love and beauty to be in the depths of my spirit, for I
    have seen those who are satisfied the most wretched of people. I have heard
    the sigh of those in yearning and longing, and it is sweeter than the sweetest
    melody.

    With evening’s coming the flower folds her petals and sleeps, embracing her
    longing. At morning’s approach she opens her lips to meet the sun’s kiss.

    The life of a flower is longing and fulfillment. A tear and a smile.

    The waters of the sea become vapor and rise and come together and are a cloud.

    And the cloud floats above the hills and valleys until it meets the gentle
    breeze, then falls weeping to the fields and joins with the brooks and rivers
    to return to the sea, its home.

    The life of clouds is a parting and a meeting. A tear and a smile.

    And so does the spirit become separated from the greater spirit to move in the
    world of matter and pass as a cloud over the mountain of sorrow and the plains
    of joy to meet the breeze of death and return whence it came.

    To the ocean of Love and Beauty — to God.

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