Life Lessons · personal · Relationships · thoughts

Victories and losses

Today is a day of celebration. Celebrating victories, and celebrating losses.

Today was a victorious day for me and the Lord. I have finally finished all my requirements for my scholarship application and from here, I just wait on the Lord’s favour. I started writing about past midnight and finished at around 5:30 in the morning. There I was on my bed with my laptop and about 30 tabs of research on my study plan. I drank coffee and I must say it kept me up. I’m not a coffee drinker. In between writing and researching, I listened to music to get me off the stress, particularly Fame’s Try by Asher Book. I downloaded a piano sheet which I will study after this week because I love the message of the song. When I felt that I had articulated fairly well and condensed my thoughts on my research study, I read it one last time, and submitted to the university online. This morning, I woke up to an email that I have been given clearance for all my requirements. I am just ecstatic and right now in perfect peace because it’s over. This time, it’s bending knees for a month until I get the call that I am accepted.

I feel victorious. I have overcome my fears and I’ve put all my trust in the Lord. He’s gotten me this far. He would give this to me if He so wills.

On another note, Lakers made it to Round one of their series with the Hornets. They advance with the possibility of competing against Mavs this Monday. I was always so sure that they would pull through. They’re not the back to back defending champions for nothing. This is a victory worth celebrating!

As for losses, let’s just say, my heart gets broken in various little and big ways from time to time. I remember a conversation in Up in the air (George Clooney) that went like this:

Alex Goran: I thought we signed up for the same thing… I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. You are an escape. You’re a break from our normal lives. You’re a parenthesis.

Ryan Bingham: I’m a parenthesis?

What he meant was, I’m just the in-between? I feel like that sometimes with so many creatures in the galaxies, the way I’m treated for just being a temporary “thrill”. There, I put it. I have everything against that because who wants to be taken lightly? Who wants to be played at? I’ve realized how the past weeks and months men have carelessly enjoyed playing games with me like I’m some toy. They give me compliments the way a child is given a lollipop. They delight in it because they feel I’d be equally delighted, but something always just feels off. Don’t get me wrong; I love getting compliments. But when there’s a consistent pattern, it gets you asking for the motives. We don’t do something for no apparent reason. We don’t give compliments just because. What gives?

Are they leading me on? No, but it sure looks that way. Are they sincere? I wouldn’t know. But they’re careless, that’s for sure. And carelessness breaks my heart. I feel that women should be protected from these superficial shows of affection, and the sad thing is, the men around me are full of them.

And then, just when you think you know where all this is going, something snaps. They change direction. They divert attention. They withdraw. It’s not that I’m affected by it; I knew it was bound to go that direction. I’m just annoyed. Annoyed that I am again seeing this full circle. It has happened so many times and I’m fighting off being too critical against men, precisely why I entertain some, but I can’t help it sometimes. Can you?  

But I celebrate these losses because I’m being shown that I know what I want, and I could afford to lose these superficialities. I know what I deserve as a woman of the Lord. I know how my heart should be protected.

So let’s celebrate. And to these creatures of the galaxy, stop playing with my heart, pwede?

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2 thoughts on “Victories and losses

  1. ah, can’t women take compliments for what they really are? that they are indeed compliments? but, as i’d said it in a previous post, it’s a sad fact of life that women tend to read between the lines even when there’s nothing between the lines. you call that women’s intuition.

    by the way, how long would it take for you to finish your masters?

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