What I like from all the travels I do for work is that at the end of the day, when I’m just alone in my hotel room, I can read or write in peace and quiet. It’s something I don’t get to do often despite the regularity of my writing. Ironic, I know. Most of the things I’ve written were always squeezed in between work and personal commitments. I’ve managed to make both environments work for me when I write, but I find that the most reflective and heartfelt things I write are the ones borne out of a peaceful environment, including the mind. I always wish there was enough time to write, and I always wish I can put down my thoughts in the way I want. Writing is pretty much influenced by our circumstances, our moods, our feelings, and when forced, the writer can easily sense that something is missing. Heart, I would say. That’s something to be said about me. I always put my heart into what I write. It goes without saying that I’m also the first person to notice when I’m not writing with my heart. Someone once said, “sit close to self-scrutiny.” I have that attitude with my writing.
These past days, I’ve been more reflective than usual. Words said to me by certain people are brought to mind, things done are remembered. Usually when this happens, it can only mean two things: One, I’m longing for a repeatition of those things, and two, I’m confused. What did they mean?
I’ve said it before: I’m the reflective type. Not emo. Just really reflective. I think a lot, about people, what has happened in the past, what has been told me, what has been showed me, the themes running through many of my relationships. I’m just wired that way: I get curious a lot, I ask a lot of questions to myself, eventually I’m led to analyze. Now I’m not always this way to every little thing, let me say that for the record. What I noticed is that I’m only this way to certain things and people that have somehow struck a chord in me. As I’ve said, these things either mean I’m longing for some repetition, or I’m confused. It could be both.
Just like when someone took extra effort to do something that I didn’t ask for, something that was really thoughtful and sweet and unexpected —what does that mean? I start thinking about the level of relationship I have with that person, our previous encounters, whether the action is something innocent or otherwise, whether it’s something I’m even supposed to take notice. And when it merits my attention, that’s the time I really begin investigating deeper. If truth be told, it’s not so much the other person I’m investigating as it is myself. I can only know the facts surrounding the situation and the person to a certain extent; the most I can do is assume or theorize. But I can’t say the same for myself because I know myself.
And because I’ve been out for a whole week now traveling for work and ending up in that very elusive peaceful environment, it’s given me the time to sit down and think about what really is in my heart. The Bible said that we should protect our heart with all diligence, because out of it come all the issues of life. And I do have some very disconcerting matters that need, more than anything, an honest evaluation before God. God desires to protect our hearts; we try to break it. We let things and people affect us in ways we shouldn’t be affected if we only had our sights and passions set on God.
And I admit: I’m confused now more than ever. The last time I remember feeling this way, I’m pretty sure somebody ended up crying. I don’t know how to end this post. I’ll just say that there will be a lot of retrospection in the coming days and weeks. I really need to sift through what I call these chaff and grain emotions. And I really need a deeper resolve to protect my heart. I only have one, and it’s become fragile over the years.