I spent the last five days vacationing in Macau with my twin sister Keren, my best friend Kay and my churchmate Meryll. It was the first birthday that I spent outside the country in which, purposely, I couldn’t be reached. I knew people would be texting me, greeting me in Facebook and sending me tweets here and there, but I decided I would just spend a quiet 26th birthday. A day before we left, I talked to God. “Lord, Korea has found no closure for me. It’s been a month and I have not heard any news. If this is not for me, please let me know when I come back.” I wasn’t demanding God to answer me; I was making a quiet plea to put an end to my hoping if I’m really just missing the obvious. I also prayed that I might spend the remaining two days in Macau (when Keren and Kay have gone home) experiencing his goodness and being “surprised”.
I came home this evening and I think both my prayer requests were answered, depending on how one looks at it. Meryll and I were surprised indeed by God’s goodness as we experienced getting by in Macau after nearly being conned by a fellow Filipino. I shall write more on that as soon as I wind up the more important things at work. A good essay/article is one I would give to myself as a pasalubong from Macau. The first one —getting an answer from the Lord regarding Korea, remains, a prayer. Yet, as I was contemplating on this in the plane, I thought about two things. One, God’s answer can be NO –that is still an answer, right? And second, God’s answer may have already come —and I might just be in denial.
I haven’t really ‘grieved’ about the whole thing. Something in me just feels numb. Numb at the thought that what I prayed for a whole year, what I desired, planned and invested on, could be ‘wrong’. Usually, I’m the type who cries over the big and small things as soon as I realize my plans have not taken flight. But for a month since news first reached me, I’ve been numb, just really clueless and really blank. I don’t know what to answer people and I don’t know what to tell myself. That people keep telling me I should be optimistic, that I should hold on to faith, and that I should keep waiting, seem impractical now to me than ever before. Isn’t faith also practical? There is a big possibility I am missing the obvious and really just being hardheaded —-I refuse to give up.
But today, 5 days after I turned 26, the ‘wiser’ action to take would just be to accept this ‘loss’, consider this a death of a dream, thank God for his answer, pray for direction, and move on. I’m being shown a closed door, must I insist in my foolish hoping?
But I will grieve this loss, one way or another. I will. Something tells me I’ve already started grieving over this. There’s no denying my heart is broken. What now, Lord? Where to, next?
To a purpose-filled 26th year, more of God’s goodness and His directions that never fail!