I’ll use the first sentence from a friend’s email which greeted me today, “Life is happening at an incredible rate of warp speed, I hear it going on, people running all around, a blur of busyness and purpose….”
It’s my first day today since I left work, something I’ve been looking forward to since last year. The past weeks have been terribly busy, as evidenced by the fact that I have not written in my blog for almost a month now. I’m alarmed by this fact, because I’m the type who finds refuge in burying herself in writing and thinking. But I take heart that while I have not so much as written even a short entry in my blog, I’ve replaced it with an equally pleasurable leisure —reading. When I find myself ‘dragged’ along the hustle and bustle of work and daily stresses, apart from praying, I find reading to be a good form of stress relief. It takes my mind off worries and fears, and the world just stops, at least for a few hours.
But life has not stopped: God is continuously at work in my life. Many things are just changing for me. One, I’m no longer working, at least, for now. I call this an indefinite hiatus. I’ve long wanted to go back to school and pursue my Masters. But God had other plans and while my plans are put on a standstill, the desire to study remains. My friend asked me, “After you study, then what?” I think the question should have first been, “study what?” I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. It’s one of those “major” decisions that either make or break us. I was lucky enough to know even when I was in high school what I wanted to take up in college. I was even luckier that by the time I was in college, I didn’t feel the need to change courses; I was bent on finishing what I chose and I knew I wanted this. On hindsight, I thought the course suited me well. But after working as a development officer for three years, I kind of wished I took up Development studies instead. I’ve seen myself to be more confident and at home “in the grassroots” than on the diplomatic stage where my chosen course would have led me. It’s something I’m seriously considering and praying about that God would help me discern in the coming weeks, if He should want me to go back at all.
But with this newfound freedom, I now see myself facing many choices that require me to manage and wisely use both my time and finances. A balance is needed. Where I used to not have the luxury of time to write, now I can literally sit down and write to my heart’s content. I used to stay up so late at night just to finish a book, but just today, I finished a book in just one sitting! As a despedida (farewell) gift to me, my colleague gave me a One-thousand peso gift certificate at Powerbooks! Isn’t that just the best going-away present ever? I’m back to teaching in the School Program at BSF. I have more time to prepare my lessons, more time to devote to studying Scripture, and definitely more time to learn new things as I teach the Senior level. I’m also taking Taekwondo classes and about to finish the first module and take a belt promotion test. I’ve always wanted to try martial arts even when I hardly consider myself the combative type. A single girl’s gotta learn how to protect herself, apart from the constant protecting of her heart. And yes, I still climb and have four more major climbs this year, with the culmination of that, Lord-willing, outside the country.
Yes, life has not stopped; in fact, it’s happening at an incredibly warp speed and if I’m not careful, I might yet again override God’s plans for me. Some of the things I’m doing now are short-term investments to “keep myself busy”. But my eyes remain fixed on fulfilling the long-term plans God has for me. I’m learning that our individual plans and dreams are not written in stone. Changes happen everyday, we go on unexpected detours. God has been changing my attitude towards these ‘detours’. Instead of resenting and doubting His plans for me, I’m now being led to trust His good character. To say that God is good is to recognize that even the unexpected changes in our life are all good. Not all our wishes and dreams would come true. I dare say we won’t have the luxury of time and money to fulfill every single want. But God takes care of the necessary ones, the ones He has laid out for us to fulfill, the ones He knows He can use for His glory. I’m beginning to understand why it’s necessary to surrender everything to God, even and especially our dreams, because it would just be futile to invest in something that God has not blessed.
I cannot see yet where I’m being led at this point in time. But I am trusting him with full abandon. It’s enough that I know He’s leading me. Oswald Chambers once said, “So many of us limit our praying because we are not reckless in our confidence in God.”
Life happens very fast and yet our duties as Christians remain: to share Jesus to a world that knows him not. My life isn’t really my own. Even my dreams —what of them against the things eternal? With a blink of an eye, things change. And so with this knowledge, I know I must live it wisely.