everyday life · faith · God · life · Life Lessons · love · personal · thoughts

A lament

“Let not our longing slay our appetite for living” – Jim Eliot.

Today is one of those days when I feel my heart grieve the heaviest, for many unanswered questions. Questions only a single girl like me can ask; questions I cannot ask friends because I know I will not hear the answer I’m looking for. How do you tell your friends that you feel life is passing you by? They tell you, “You’ve got a whole world ahead of you. You have so many things going for you. You’re living your dreams.” Am I? How do you tell your friends you feel an emptiness that you know will never be satisfied by the most genuine condolences, the sweet comfort, the warm and soothing words friends bring to one who is longing in her heart? “It will come, you just have to wait.” “Don’t rush it; it will come when you least expect it.” Will it really come? When? How long should I wait? How do you tell your friends you’re lonely and you wish you weren’t? What comfort or reassurance can I expect to get from friends who have someone beside them? It’s beginning to weigh me down, this being single. That’s the ugly truth that I cannot hide anymore, not from my friends, not from myself, not from God.

I muttered a short prayer two days ago just before this realization dawned on me. “Lord, I just want you to know that I like someone. Could there be something great here? Is he the one?”

There was no hiding in those questions, no pretending. Only vulnerability and the resolve to be honest before the God who I believe knows the desires of my heart. I’ve been waiting for a while now since I last got my heart broken. That heart break is a thing of the past. I’ve learned my lesson, and I’ve learned it well. You tell me what a single girl’s gotta do with her season, and I’ve done it. I haven’t been sitting in a corner waiting for a phone call all day long. I’ve been out there, doing what I know I should be doing, because I know that in the meantime, there’s a lot that can and should be done. I’ve been out there, and I haven’t been sitting pretty or knocking my head on the wall until someone decides to rescue me. I’ve been out there, living the life God is unfolding before me everyday.

Yet two days ago, a window opened. My little heart, for the first time in a very long time, got excited. The magical list of non-negotiables hung in the air and quietly, as I was observing him, I saw my hand invisibly check YES, YES, YES. A guy so in love with His Lord that everything about him is colored by this love relationship. Same passions. Check. How could I not be excited about it? I’ve not been in this situation in a very long time. I haven’t been this observant, nor this intrigued by any man. “Could this be…?”

But before that question could be completed, I got my answer in what I call a mocking fashion. It was as though the piece of candy was dangled before my eyes, and I was just about to grab it until it was yanked away from sight. “Not for you, little one.” And he, this guy I thought possibly could be, and the dream I’ve had, were all but gone. It was back to waiting.

Can I be honest? I feel like everyone has everyone else except me. I fear that I would never meet the guy I dream of, and I fear, more, that my friends would one by one get married, leaving me sitting among the pews, holding a wilted bouquet of flowers, and counting the sheep til I fall back to sleep. Yes, I’ve been out there, and no one has still found me. Lord, have I escaped your notice? I’m still here, Lord. 

I know someday all this waiting would make sense and I would be grateful for the important lessons I never would have learned if I didn’t wait and persevere. But I’m losing ground, Lord. I’m floating and drifting away on a sea of unanswered questions. Hear my heart’s cry, Father. There’s no one else to give them to but to You. 

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6 thoughts on “A lament

  1. We hear you. Praying for you here KZ.

    [ By the way KZ, just want to make it known to the whole world that you have inspired me, and our other team mates. You did not hesitate to join the Back to Badeo Climb, though, you’re facing difficulties in your health. You are such a blessing! Shine for Jesus KZ! Shine KZ! ]

  2. Thank you Bibang. :-) I guess these emotions just hit me after a glorious experience in Badeo. Alam na kung bakit. But I’ll do what E. eliot advised in her book. “Give your loneliness to God.” The word she used pa nga was “offer it.” He’ll know what to do with it.

  3. Sometimes, waiting is all you can do. Crying to the Lord about it is definitely ALL you CAN do. I know the frustration, the ache… No one can relate. As your friends parade their “soulmates” you can’t seem to feel so left behind. Like you’re waiting in line and everyone’s number gets called but you.

    However, It’s worth it. I actually began a courting season last year, after waiting for two whole years (knowing this kid was ‘the one’ AND him actually knowing I was the one since, and I quote, “saw you for the first time”). The waiting was partly great/partly agonizing. I can assure you one thing: I came out, leaning on my true Beloved. And one day, when I least expected it, the King brought the prince to my front door and asked for my hand in courtship.

    He writes the best love stories you know. He just doesn’t need our help.

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