In my mind, I see you. Clear, vivid, like I was beside you a few seconds ago. I could see you, not like shadow whose blackness covers your being, but you –your face, your smile, your eyes.
I told myself a few years ago that if it got to the point where all I see of you is in my mind, then I would stop. Stop thinking, stop dreaming, stop hoping. I bring myself back to the now, the here, the present, and yet they don’t do much. You’re in my head, but nowhere else. I told myself a few years ago that there won’t be any point thinking about you if your existence would only be in my head. What is the point, right?
But see, it isn’t like I’ve been thinking of you for every day of my life. In fact, it doesn’t happen so often. I see you in fleeting moments –moments I view pages of friends, or scroll through albums, or watch videos I happen to come across. I see you when I read a book and a line strikes me, like it was penned for me at that time. Sometimes, it’s just when I stare blankly at the ceiling and wonder where you are. But those times I think about you, a wave comes over that washes me into moments of loneliness, isolation, even momentary despair. Why despair, little heart?
No one shares this sea of loneliness, and the waters are wide and deep. It almost always feels like a drowning.