And just like that, I’m 32 in two days.
When I turned 18, I felt like I was entering a whole new world because of all that the age legally afforded me. Being able to vote. Getting a driver’s license (though I got mine at 26), and being able to sign documents. To me, the next milestone to adulthood was to turn 25, and at that point, I hadn’t looked forward to turning 25. It felt like that was the age of maturity. You would have graduated from college, would have had enough work experience, and would be nearer to your ideal age to getting married. 30 seemed so far away, so unknown. I would be married by then, if I had it my way. I’m a few days short of being 32. Time really does go by so fast.
My friends in Palawan have been asking me what my plans were for my birthday. You would know by now that each year on my birthday, I travel. Last year was pretty low-key and I skipped any travel outside the country and just spent it home in Makati with friends. I normally would plan these things out ahead, but I don’t know why for the second consecutive year, I didn’t give much thought to what my plans were. I would have loved to travel, but it isn’t an option now because we’re in the midst of a transition. My sister is also coming home from abroad and we also have new staff to train. The list of friends that I can travel with is also dwindling every year as each one gets married which changes the direction and priorities of their new stage in life. I realize that I have been home for so many big important events of my closest friends (I’ve been home for almost all weddings, bridal showers, reunions), but I wonder why no one takes time to visit me here in Palawan? That’s just me. I like to be present in the lives of my friends and I hate to miss out, but weirdly enough, I retreat to hermit mode in my own life, and anyway, that goes unnoticed! Sometimes, I feel like my closest friends still do not know me. To me, love is always expressed in service and in time. That’s always been my love language.
Anyway, it does seem like I just let the days go by and my birthday is in two days. Do people still plan out their birthdays and am I weird for not having any? I’m neither excited nor indifferent. A birthday party sounds typical, but welcome. A quiet, low-key dinner with close friends is also ideal, but habitual. I’m so used to my familiar ways of celebrating that it has actually already bored me and taken out the excitement. I honestly don’t know why I’m not any excited for my birthday!
On another note, we always wish that as we turn a year older, we also grow a little wiser. I hope that’s true for me, but I’m pretty critical of myself these days. I see so many flaws and mistakes which I keep repeating, and I do wonder whether I’m growing wiser or just being more jaded with the years. This week, I prayed this to God:
“I know you’re very familiar with me and my ways, Lord. You know me than any person in this world, which is beautiful and scary at the same time. Often times I really wonder why you don’t get tired of us, when we get tired of ourselves and sometimes wish we were just another person altogether. But I recognize that this is who I am for now, Lord, and I’m not content to stay this way. I pray that I’ll continue to change and be better, by your grace. Help me to keep pursuing you when the joy fizzles out and we see ourselves naked before you, our true selves.”
I think that prayer let on quite a lot about what’s on my mind these days. Maybe turning a year older isn’t that important, if you don’t turn wiser. Because then, all we accumulate are experiences and years. We have to be growing constantly along with them. *sigh
Here are some prayer requests I have for my birthday that maybe you can pray for me:
- For one of our vehicles currently under repair, to be released this week in good, working condition. It’s been in the worshop for over two months and that has also affected us at work.
- For Palawan’s overall safety. And for us, for more bookings to come. We’ve been affected by the US and UK advisories.
- For joy and intimacy and even more vulnerability and honesty before the Lord.
That’s all, folks!
God bless and keep you!
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. – Hebrews 4:12