Sit close to self scrutiny. I read that once, and it has always stuck with me. When I’m faced with situations where it becomes clear that I seem to be the one that’s the problem, the only solution really is humility and acceptance. What a world of difference it makes to one who fully realizes what she must change in herself. For the first time in a long time, I feel that this really is the best and only way to go forward. Be humble, accept, learn, and grow.
We always want to defend ourselves against accusations or perceptions which we “think” are not right. But if we really sit close to self scrutiny, and consider the matter to heart, if we really spend the time to assess every angle, ask the whys and the hows, I think it’s very liberating and empowering, even, to be able to see what you refused to see for such a long time: that yes, there are things you really need to change about yourself and there’s no other way to go about it than to submit to the process and change. Period.
I’ve changed a lot in the last 5 years. I always tell myself that maybe it hasn’t always been a good change. Being in Palawan changed me in many ways, and for a while I’ve been brooding over this, but it has now come to a point where I realize that the changes I’ve seen in me are more negative than positive. Because I wasn’t like this before. I miss the old me. I miss that feeling of being vulnerable. I miss the feeling of being able to depend on other things, other people. I miss the feeling of needing people.
I’ll be writing more here as I continue to just submit to this process, be rebuked by God as He sees fit, and let the Holy Spirit change and warm this hardened heart.