January 10, 2010.
“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” ~ George Eliott
As I have written previously, the days following January 3 have gone by like quicksand. While I caution myself to be less specific in my blog, I have, on the other hand, achieved something significant this week that hopefully will be a good start this year: I have gone back to writing daily on my journal, and with that, I feel a sense of fulfillment as I think I am more inclined to be frank and open with my journal as opposed to my blog. A journal after all is something only the writer can access. The writer and her God. And the only one that gets to give out his opinion is God. In fact, that is the one opinion that will ever truly matter in the end. There are some things that I guess are best reserved to just one audience. Like virginity, for example. I do believe it is best reserved for a husband, because then that would be the ultimate gift to give which says, “I am sharing this only with you and with nobody else.” I look at my journals that way. While I value the thoughts my friends put in on blogs I write, this year I am giving, if not equally, then more value to writing just for me and God in my journal. There’s a different kind of satisfaction that journals bring to me and I am happy that I’m being more disciplined about it.
Which brings me to another point. Chaff and grain.
It has been 7 days since I had my closure. To be honest, I can’t believe it’s only been a week because it feels so much longer than that. Many other factors have come into play to contribute to this: being busy with work and with new, pressing deadlines, taking some time out to restore old habits (like writing and reading), spending more time with friends either through emails/texts or meeting them personally, and most importantly, spending time with God daily.
I find that the more I spend time with God, the less I focus on myself, and the less I brood on the past. What’s more, I am suddenly quick to realize and admit mistakes. I’ve been more reflective the past days, that’s for sure. But this time, I’m letting His Word sink deep into my heart so that I can see what thoughts and actions are chaff, and what are grain. Even with what I write, I’m suddenly being shown the good and the bad, and I find that wisdom is right beside me when I need to sift through what I’m thinking and feeling.
Case in point. I had posted in my Facebook status a rant I made while at the office over a colleague’s work ethics (or lack of it). Pretty soon, my officemates and I were back and forth ranting when somebody joined in on the thread and even rode the jokes. But being an outsider and not knowing what I was specifically referring to, he assumed something that was totally outside the context of the post. Annoyed, I replied in sarcasm, “but weren’t you also joking with us?”
I thought, how ironic I should be told off when he even joked with us at first. I was already satisfied for having proven my point but something churned inside me. I was offensive for being sarcastic. Worse, I had shown it to people outside. So I apologized immediately to that person in a private message. Grain.
Also a few days ago, a message circulated around Facebook suggesting that women post on their status something relating to Awareness for Breast Cancer. I never really ride on bandwagons such as these, and I was surprised because usually, I’d be the first to say, “gah, that’s nonsense. How can you raise awareness that way?” But I guess I wasn’t being too wise about it, because I followed it despite the apprehensions inside. I found a certain thrill and a tinge of rebellion that honestly excited me and I said, “It won’t be that big a deal anyway,” so I went for it. Pretty soon, my brother in Christ BJ messaged me privately and gently rebuked me. Chaff.
Both these incidents this week alone have led me to reflect on things I have to be careful about especially when letting them out in public. The first incident wasn’t just that I was offensive, I realized later on. In reality, I was ranting on something that was best left private especially because it would not reflect positively to a lot of people. I managed to tell myself it was okay to rant that because certainly, that was how I feel. But God clearly rebuked me to be more cautious because the consequences would be much graver than I would like to imagine.
I am also learning, as I spend more time immersed in the Word and with God, that the Holy Spirit would cause me to be more sensitive to these things, and I would have to be obedient. I don’t really believe these incidents are isolated but I look at them as connected one way or another. Paul urges us in Romans 12:2 to not be “conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Spending time with God and writing about it in my journal is producing a sensitivity that I used to not have or not give importance to. And the effect is exactly what Paul says: renewing the mind and proving what is good, what is not good, what is chaff and grain.
Someone is sifting through all these thoughts and actions, and that could only be God working in me this start of the year. How God loves me so to help me get through my heartbreak by drawing me closer to Him and making me see Him more.
It really is true when they say that only God knows how to truly mend a broken heart.