My Heart is fixed

“Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.” Wizard of Oz

Luckily, I woke up and I see that the world is just as it should be.” – Julianne, My Best Friend’s Wedding

“The one who loves, waits.” – Love At Large

Start of 2010.

It’s funny when you think about how life works sometimes. The things you dread and try to avoid the most are the things that do happen, and when least expected. You encounter people you don’t want to encounter; you get into situations where you don’t want to get yourself into. Oh, the irony of it all! But a lot can change over time. A year or so ago would have me unprepared for something like this. Maybe it would get me into another roller-coaster ride of emotions, and maybe I’d be more broken. But I have grown wiser since then. I’ve changed. The words I want to use are cautious, reflective, and fixed. My heart is fixed. I know what I want and I know what I must do.

I wound up my affairs this start of the year and went for a bang. I had a mother of all closure talks with a former flame, cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, collected myself, burned memories, made a covenant, and left. That was the pattern I followed and looking back, it was good. I settled the important issues and opened myself up to pruning. I took out the things I don’t need and the people who are better off without me. And I put no drama there. I honestly believe it’s better for certain people to leave, even if it had to be me. If, after a painful and very stretching ordeal to make things work, they still don’t, then leave. There is no sense in staying. There is no sense in prolonging. And as for heartbreaks? Life is too short to be hung up on a heartbreak that has already served its purpose. I go by that principle now. And I also back it up with one of my favorite verses in the bible, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1 To me, and I know to you, our season’s over.

I posted these three quotes from movies I’ve watched before because at certain moments in my life, they were, and are, true. At this point, my heart is being made practical. I no longer want to relive painful memories that are best left forgotten because it isn’t practical for somebody needing and wanting to move on. I’m past that stage. I’ve moved on. I’m also the person who woke up and realized that yes, the world is just as it should be between us. It’s better we are this way for all the reasons we talked about this January. And I did say I made a covenant and I fully intend to keep it. I had a covenant when I was in college and by God’s grace, I was able to keep it. I turned down guys. I turned down opportunities because I wanted to focus on my studies and on my ministry. Those were the best single moments of my life. But then you came and I was turned upside down. After you left, I had this longing I’ve never had before, and I guess the two years with you exhausted that. I was drained emotionally. I realize then that this is the perfect time to recharge and refocus on things that are necessary. Finally, after all the heartbreaks and after all the tears, I am still the person who waits. But not on you.

My heart is fixed. I’m not unsettled. A year ago I would not have been prepared to face this situation, encounter you. But I’ve changed since then. I know what I want and I know what I must do. My heart waits on the Lord, and because it does, your coming over doesn’t unsettle me. Not anymore.

My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise. – Psalm 57:7

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8 thoughts on “My Heart is fixed

  1. I stumbled upon your blog because of Kim Hyun Joong. I fell in love with your bog because of your love for Jesus. Keep it up…. The Lord is our Fortress…. We love because HE first love us…. so with love let’s move forward….. :)

  2. Thank you :) Looks like we both have something in common. Love for KHJ (haha, mine’s the superficial kind) and love for Jesus (the real kind) :-) God bless you!

  3. yeah… we really have something in common. Love for Jesus is real. Love for KHJ, well, i am not a fan-girl stalker but his killer smile really captured my heart. i will not join million of girls to chase after him…i will just sit back and enjoy my love for him in a quiet way…
    by the way, what do you do? i read that you are in the education line for a NGO. i work in a Christian organization and i truly agree with what you say about education being important for all children. Do you have an email address? Hope that we can be friends and contiue to encourage one another….. God Bless :)

  4. Hi! Yes, I work for an NGO on Education Reforms here in Manila. Wow, a Christian NGO? What’s it called? Do you have a website. If this is the email you’re using, I’ll just email you my email add as it’s better to post it there than in here :) I also wrote in one post (about KHJ) that I wished I were more a stalker, but I’m really not! I just have a silly crush on him. He’s too cute! :)

  5. Yes, i am using the same email. I will give you the website when i reply your email :) WIll tell you more about myself then :)
    yeah…KHJ’s is just too cute…too bad, i am a little too old for him, heheheh..

  6. Unfortunately, I am in a similar situation right now. Writing about it also helps a bit, though I am not a good writer. I hope I would be able to have my heart fixed too.

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